i n m y m i d d l e

Hey

2009-03-19T12:35:00.003-04:00

I've moved!!! Now blogging over at http://www.thinlinedesign.com/blog
See you there. Thanks :).

I miss summer

2009-02-26T23:58:00.000-05:00

photoblogging again

2009-02-21T13:42:00.001-05:00

Spent the holiday weekend in PA, visiting friends and family. Amtrak got us there cheaply, and others ferried us around. Good to see all.

They boys were mostly rapt in their attention on Papa reading. Fynn was the exception and distractor.

Getting old fast.

Off to nap after housecleaning as my parents arrive this afternoon and I of course feel the need to tidy up. And clean sheets were not on the negotiable list, as I can't even tell you how long it's been. We don't do sheet changing around here, sorry.

Tired more because I ran another race this morning, a 5k this time but had to run 5k to get there, then another 5k home tho I walked about a mile of that. Working on salvaging a sore/twisted back that wasn't helped by starting/stopping my run several times.

Lots of stuff still going on in my head. Depression, worry, wondering what's next, needing sun, yadda yadda.

catching up

2009-02-11T00:31:00.002-05:00

posted over here, and over here several times. the week is sludgy feeling, I'm still in a muddle, and going and spending a lovely gift certificate over here this afternoon helped only a wee bit. perhaps when I actually make something with what I bought I'll feel better. last night involved lots of barf (d was sick), little sleep, and an fridge/freezer defrosting that was required due to our #$%#$ freezer that sometimes doesn't shut quite perfectly, gets all frosted up over the vents to the fridge part, and then the fridge gets absurdly warm as it gets no cold air. have to empty/defrost/dry out/ the whole thing about 2x a year. at least it was fridge-temp on the porch and we could park stuff out there for a few hours!

off to bed, field trip w/D's class tomorrow. that's them above. oh, had F's parent/teacher conference today which went as expected. having one for a two-year-old seems a bit silly. other than random hitting of his classmates for no apparent reason, he's doing just fine.

crafting

2009-02-07T19:16:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to spend less time here and feel better about life, I've started bookmaking again. Coptic has been the choice the last few days, and the first two attempts are below. Very basic, two-needle stitching with soft covers. I want to get into wood covers and handmade paper, but need to learn the stitching patterns and tension and all that. These took about an hour apiece, start to finish ... Fynn's art supplied the covers, and I used embroidery thread as I don't have proper bookthread yet. Not recommended, it frays and gets snagged much too easily when you're resewing out the same holes.

I love that you can bind anything together that you can poke holes in, and it doesn't use any glue or mucky stuff like that. I hate using spray glue though it's handy sometimes. The white pages in the book in the top photo are old photocopies of michael's doodles, so there's random stuff scattered throughout.

waiting

2009-02-04T22:51:00.001-05:00

I've been waiting a lot lately.
... to figure it out, the why-am-i-so-frustrated-and-moody-and-sad part
... to find my heart and talk to it
... to get a real winter snow
... to find more patience
... to decide what to do with my coaching and my other site
... to find some enthusiasm again
... to get my first two half-frozen-marathons over and done with
... for more sun
... for a mentoring kind of friend to show up here
... to find ways to be creative again
... to learn to slow down
... to not feel guilty
... to stop saying sorry for awhile
... to find the next roach
... to eat crab rangoon
... to go out with a friend on an alone night instead of going to the movies
... to get really grabbed by a book
... to go to bed early
... to learn coptic binding
... to not feel tired or caffeinated
... to hear about M&B's twins
... to post pics of D's robot creation

I've found some of the answers. Some I'm waiting for no discernable reason. Some I'm getting clues about.
I've been posting more over here than I have here. I'm glad it's February. I'm glad the sun is still slanting across the streets when I'm bringing the boys home from school. I'm glad they both performed at school last Friday, and enjoyed it. A reading in class and a song on stage for D, a guitar solo on stage of Jingle Bell Rock a-la-Cobain by F, so said the witnesses. I'm glad I have two boys. I'm glad I spent half an hour in the park alone late last night, thinking and making a butt-tingling snow angel. I'm glad I'm ready to crawl into bed.

You know you're my kid when ...

2009-01-27T11:01:00.002-05:00

You have a 50/50 chance of being the one who was dutifully picking up the raisins you spilled this morning, and then screamed in fear and dropped the large wiggling “raisin” with antennae you found under the desk. You now fondly refer to this as the “raisin-bug” incident, and mom refers to it as the “time to have the landlord call the exterminator again” incident. Enough said.

You have “just a minute” on the list of your first words.

You know that mom CAN be silly, but doesn't really like to be, and that she gets cranky when you're silly most of the time.

You hear “come Here if you want help!” from the time you can walk. Unless you're screaming bloody murder of course.

You know “you'll be ok” because mom tells you that all the time. For now you believe her.

You have climbing into a warm bed with two in-denial-about-the-clock adults down to a science. You know that a sure way to get them up, and get in trouble, is to dig your elbow into a bladder or an eye.

You know the intense pull of a book, ANY book, and the frustration of being dragged away from it. You know mom understands because she does the same thing, but it doesn't seem fair at all.

You know mama runs a lot, and you have an inkling that sometimes she's running away. She always comes back though.

You still think home haircuts are cool. Or you don't know what a haircut is yet, and eat your hair as much as your food.

You understand guilt well, and are able to use it to your advantage, long before you know what the word means.

You know how to hold grudges, and long to be teased out of them. You often are. You learned from a master sulker.

You feel frustrated by how much is going on in your head, and never have enough time to get it all down/out/explained.

You talk early, and often.

You eye doctors with curiosity and awe, but believe almost all medicine comes in spoons, eyedroppers, and teas. You don't know yet this makes you unusual.

You get frustrated very easily, especially by things that don't work the way you think they will. You express this vocally and loudly.

You remember every promise or implied promise, and are devastated if mom doesn't.

You love unconditionally.

You're a lightweight who'd rather snack all day than waste time at the table eating a meal.

You love to make gifts and give them to your parents.

You expect to understand things and be able to figure them out. You also expect to be able to do them well right off the bat. You don't get “having to work hard for something” very well yet. You're learning though.

You know mom putting you to bed means a storybook, and dad putting you to bed means a homegrown tale of mystery and intrigue. You still fuss when mom says it's her turn.

You have Alone Time down pat, and don't mind your parents taking it as long as you get full attention from whichever parent is home. You know both are more indulgent when the other isn't home.

You dream big. You are beautiful. You are stubborn. You are creative. You are intense. You are dramatic. You have dancing eyes and a ready laugh. You hardly remember life without a brother.

Your mom expects you to need therapy when you get older, and is coming to terms with it. You don't know this yet, but you do know she expects a lot of things of you. She's sorry for it. She expects the same things of herself.

You remember Farmer's Market Saturdays, the big rock at Fort Greene Park, summer sprinklers, water balloon fights, quesadillas, the Co-op School, kombucha, Sunday night singing, visiting cousins and family and the ocean, petting Dominic, Mister Charles, having housemates, Chinatown afternoons, the Brooklyn Bridge, the lego stash at Aunt Ruths, and fireworks in Prospect Park.

You are amazing, adored, humbling, frustrating, mirroring, stretching, and mine to raise.

-----------------------------
cross posted over here. yes I've been quiet lately. chewing a lot on my faith and how I show/share/feel about it.

another random

2009-01-16T21:27:00.000-05:00

for good measure

2009-01-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

happy thursday

2009-01-15T22:05:00.000-05:00

He also loves to play and sing ...

2009-01-11T15:04:00.001-05:00

he looooooves to draw

2009-01-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

Good Enough

2009-01-07T20:13:00.005-05:00

This post has been brewing for a couple weeks, and is part of the silence. I had a conversation with a friend about 2 weeks ago that touched off something in me that I was totally unprepared for. A couple of comments were made questioning some things I'd decided to do, which made me angry. I let that be known, and then a couple other things were said that made me feel incredibly sad, but I had no idea why. It had to do with my writing and ability to share feelings, but my reaction was utterly out of proportion to the comments made. I melted in a puddle, got off the phone, and proceeded to mourn for 24 hours. I felt levelled, flattened, and broken. I finally got a handle on what I'd 'heard' (not what was said, but what my brain filtered it into) and came up with "you're not good enough". I of course added "nothing you do is ever good enough" to that from my own well of feelings that I think go back to early childhood.

Once I labeled what had triggered the meltdown, I started to try to figure out where the feelings came from. They go WAY back, but not quite as far as I can remember. I've almost always felt I had to please everyone, and in order to do so I had to do whatever was "good enough" for whoever was watching. For whoever I thought was watching. Teachers, parents, meeting, family, friends. My measuring stick was based on other people's expectations, not my self-confidence (which wavers wildly, and mostly is much much lower than it appears to be to most people) or my "best" really. Just what was expected of me. I didn't give too much thought to what God expected, not really having a clue as a kid what that was, though I assumed he expected perfection and not much else.

I've known for eons that my standards for myself (and immediate family, sigh) were never ever high enough, and if I'm in danger of satisfying them, I raise them. I'm never good enough for that consortium of ridiculous expectations, so just keep trying to do better and just keep feeling guilty. I feel horribly guilty if I disappoint anyone. More so if it's family or friends, but pretty much anyone counts. I'm good at imagining disappointments. I had a client awhile back who I felt like I wasn't really able to help much at all, and given the averages of things, having a client like that once in awhile isn't really all that surprising! But I felt awful for weeks. Low, guilty, burdened, like I'd done something wrong. Not good enough. Nothing worse than not being good enough.

I'm rather sick of holding myself to other people's standards. I grew up with several sets of standards, which didn't help the issue. The home/family standard, the school standard, the grandparent/laborer standard, the meeting standard ... you get the idea. The rules were not all the same, and I became pretty adept at switching gears, but it helped me wander pretty far away from being me and working with God, and knowing why I chose to do what. What was good enough to keep all the judges satisfied with me? I saw them all as judges, keeping me up to par and holy enough, smart enough, and submissive enough to pass muster.

My confidence seems based on whether or not all judges/observers are happy with me. Whether I've done what I promised or more realistically what I think they expected me to do. I learned a looooong time ago how to fake it. How to pretend I was confident, feel entirely unprepared or able to do something, but started out on it anyhow in the hopes that the ability/road would appear under my feet. It often worked, and masking my fear and trembling would turn into genuine confidence once the thing seemed solid enough or close enough to being finished to be trusted. I approach almost everything that way. It works, but it makes everyone else think I'm more confident than I am. I deliberately sign myself up for things I'm scared of (public speaking, running 26 miles, etc) and know that the shame of 'failing' at it or disappointing someone will be enough to keep me at it until I think I've conquered it. Bloody expectations.

I'm tired of the expectations game, but have no real idea how to stop playing it.

2008-12-29T21:32:00.000-05:00

expectations

2008-12-28T14:36:00.002-05:00

Happy weekend between Christmas and New Year’s! Things have been all over the place here, meaning very little has gone according to plan or expectations, but ~~we’re moving right along~~ I'm trying. Both boys woke up several times in the night before Christmas, and so none of us slept well. Douglas woke up Christmas morning with a huge barking cough, a fever, a super sore throat, and the desire to do nothing but lay on the couch and sleep and whimper. Poor kid, he didn’t enjoy much of anything that day. I stayed home from the Christmas dinner we were to all go to, at the house of one of his best friends, and we got cozy and watched The Polar Express instead. His presents were opened sporadically throughout the day, with a couple smiles but no enthusiasm. I confess to being pretty irritable about it, feeling a bit gypped myself. I ended up falling asleep at 8.

Friday was good, and I’d arranged a few days before to spend the night w/a girlfriend whose family was out of town. We were to hit a movie, have some wine, and stay up late talking. I’d planned to come home in the morning after my run and a swing past the farmer’s market. As I was walking out the door after dinner I discovered that my dear husband had forgotten to tell me that the job he’d started that day was a rush one and they’d have to work right through the weekend. I had to be home by 8am. All of a sudden a relaxing night with no real deadlines turned into a ‘get to bed at a decent hour so I can get up and home’ kind of night, a whole other thing to me. My expectations had to be reset, and it wasn’t easy. I ended up ditching the run and market, and getting 5 hours of sleep. It was still great to get away, but somehow it seems harder and harder to reset my expectations as I get older. Why is that so hard? I really count on those few hours away to balance out my time at home. I hadn’t really taken time away, except for errands a couple nights, for a month. I hate that my balance is so fragile that I start to fall apart if some bit of me-time disappears, or social time with other adults gets removed. I hate that I even have those expectations and needs, but I do. There’s guilt attached, a lot of it. Guilt for needing to be away from my kids. All that. I tell myself I should be grateful he's got a week of work after two months with none, and I am. But it doesn't cancel out my need to be alone at times, and that feeling increases when it's vacation and I have both boys 24x7 for two weeks.

On the other hand, I had one strange but certain expectation fufilled, and it was fabulous! I had Douglas enter a coloring contest online, and when I downloaded the sheet for him to color I had a 98% sure feeling he’d win. Totally random drawing, no way I could be sure, but I had that insane certainty. Sure enough, I looked online Christmas day and he’d had his name chosen as the winner of a new scooter. I told OMSH, who ran the contest, that she and God made a great team :). Unreasonable expectations that were competely met! It’s only happened to me a couple of times in my life, but each time it’s been right. He was delighted, and it means that he can throw out the old partially-fixed one we’d salvaged from the neighbor’s trash last year that never worked right. I’d call that a blessed Christmas!

(mostly cross posted from over here)

Updated to add as of Sunday: Fynn and Michael both have the fever/chills/hacking thing going on now, and D is better but still hacking a lot. At least I managed to get a run in before M left for work, only 45 min but I did more exploring of a new 'hood and stopped for a couple minutes in what's becoming my very favorite place to talk to God ... the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. I even had it to myself today which was even better. I dragged the hacking boys to the store to stock up on juice and lemons and a couple other things, then worked on D's puzzle with him and then played Candyland before sending him to bed with a book and a flashlight. Did I mention it's 63 degrees here today?!

a step in the right direction

2008-12-23T00:25:00.000-05:00

Made this yesterday as part of a prize package. My 2nd ever sewn binding, and the first 'exposed' one with the stitching showing on the spine. I love making books. Michael got me a ream of paper and a paper cutter for my birthday, and also ordered me a book on bookbinding techniques (Vol II from this set). I want to get the whole set eventually. D is going to get a couple handmade ones for christmas, for his inventions, recipes, and songs. he loves making his own with staples, just like i used to with stickers and paper and twist ties while hiding under my chair during meeting.

I see the sun ...

2008-12-16T22:58:00.000-05:00

... even though it's snowing.

blah

2008-12-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

I've been super blah for days now, and it takes effort to do just about anything. I'm depressed and fighting off panic at the finances, which are as bad as they've ever been. M has had no work for close to 6 weeks now, and for a family that lives literally paycheck to paycheck, it's not fun. I'm struggling to leave it with God, but not just sit here and watch it all collapse around me. I don't know how to balance those two things. I'm making myself post today but really want to crawl back into bed. M's at the studio as he has been a lot lately, and I have a wee bit of work for a Chicago client to do which I'm thankful for. I only have two clients at the moment, one of which I don't seem to be able to help at ALL and it's driving me nuts. I know that happens sometimes, but it's hard to have when it's half my clientele.

D had his first real research project due right after Thanksgiving, and had to do a poster about an older relative. They interviewed, found/drew pictures, wrote about it, and then presented it to the class with a Q/A at the end. He did a great job on Uncle R, and presented with poise that I've never seen in him before. He's growing so fast in so many ways, not just in the pants-too-short way. He'll be 7 in 3 months. He reads voraciously, and fusses a lot if ever stopped from reading before he's ready. Which reminds me, the READ-A-THON for his school is over tomorrow, anyone want to sponsor him?! It's been a month of reading, and we're counting pages and looking for per-page pledges or just a flat donation. The proceeds go to his public school. He has one more day to go, and has read 1204 pages so far in the last 29 days. Yes he reads a lot! Money is due by the 18th if ya want to pitch in.

I slept in the other morning, not wanting to get out of bed yet again, and was met with these when I finally got up. We have face-paint-markers, and they'd gone to town.

Yes he reads too, but so far only pictures. He's more interested in drawing than just about anything, and is starting to draw and name recognizable things. He gets frustrated if he can't make what's in his head and wants me to draw it, but I generally refuse. I'll find him whatever it is if we have it, and put it in front of him instead. Daddy gives in and draws his requests pretty often, they've been spending a lot of time drawing together as M's been home so much.

my ham

2008-11-29T22:50:00.000-05:00

This child takes so much after his father it's not funny. He makes things up, entertains, and generally performs most of the time. His teachers at school asked me last week where he gets his voices. When asked to go point to their favorite color on the wall, they all dutifully went and pointed, but when it was F's turn he went up growling "Broooowwwwwnnn" in a very monster-ish voice.

These shots are from his latest performance, known as being either an Old Lady or a Fynn Lady. Not sure where that one came from but it's enjoyed. The video will have to wait, I'm too tired to upload to YouTube tonight. I spent hours between yesterday and today rescuing 300 photos off the camera as the memory card got damaged the other day.

Not as pitiful looking as his sick sibling, but he tries.

There'll be days like this, mama said

2008-11-29T22:31:00.002-05:00

D was sent home sick from school on Wednesday, as he threw up in class and felt miserable. I got the call as I was helping clean up at the Thanksgiving potluck at Fynn's school, so bundled Fynn up and headed over to get D. We had to wait in the entryway for him to come from his class, and he dragged himself down the hall looking miserable, and didn't make it halfway down the first block home without throwing up again. Thankfully it was shortlived, as he was well enough by noon the next day to make it to Thanksgiving dinner after all :). I confess to loving getting photos of him when he's sick, as I get a side of him that never is capture otherwise. The calm/internalized side.

One of my all-time favorite shots of him is the one below, taken after his raging stomach infection was starting to clear up when we were in Ecuador, just before he turned 2.

He scared me that time with his fragility and misery, he'd never ever been subdued like that before. This week it wasn't scary, just quiet and a bit sad. He's recovered 100% and was just as insanely hyper today as ever :).

Van Gogh made me cry

2008-11-21T14:25:00.000-05:00

M and I played hookey on Wednesday, and went to the MOMA for the day. Both boys were in school, M still has no work (not a good thing at all, tho he's getting lots of studio time which is nice), and his badge from MASS MoCA gets him and a guest into any museum for free. Not a bad deal in a $20/person town like this one!

There's a special exhibit running there on Van Gogh, called Van Gogh and the Colors of the Night. It focuses on his night paintings, both indoor and outdoor. They span his 10-year painting career from 1880 to 1890, and A couple of them utterly captivated me. Part of it is the undercurrent longing I've got for being more connected to the earth, and working for a living more than a lifestyle. His studies of the working poor and the farmers and laborers really suited my mood. The first room had this painting as one of the main features, and looking at it brought tears to my eyes. Of course I felt self-conscious and quelled it asap, but there was no denying the feeling of complete longing to be in that scene at that moment. Rest after a day of work, simplicity, my absolutely favorite time of day, and the light in the window. The feeling he was able to put into the canvas isn't done justice in this photo at all, it's a very dark painting and the colors are subtle and hard to photograph. This was the best image I could find online, but it's still not giving the true feel.

He was a Protestant preacher (after his father was a Dutch Reformed minister) before becoming an artist, his brother supported him through his entire career, and he only sold one painting (to his brother) in his lifetime. Trying to decipher his life, thoughts, and feelings from the work and the few details in the gallery was fascinating. It also made me understand M and his work a bit better, though I doubt I'll be getting any ears in the mail any day soon. The passion and sensitivity make for a pretty potent cocktail. Getting lost in a painting, or more accurately lost in the feeling that you're trying to convey in the painting ... I'm getting glimpses of the power of the passion.

Making Butter

2008-11-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across some blog the other night (sorry I can't remember where) and found directions for making home-made butter. I've always wanted to try it, as we'd picked up a couple gallons of raw milk while in MA, I gave it a shot the other night. It was easier than I expected, and not that time-consuming either. You just chill the milk, skim the cream, set it out on the counter for up to 12 hours while it ripens a bit and starts to sour a wee bit, then shake it till butter forms, drain off the buttermilk and rinse it, and work in some salt!

The mass of butter after about 10 minutes of shaking ...

The rinsed clumps ...

The finished butter :). It didn't make much at all, but I was inordinately pleased anyhow.

Now to find a way to get more raw milk!

Sol LeWitt Opening

2008-11-20T20:49:00.003-05:00

Last weekend M and I went to the opening of the exhibition he worked on for 6 months of this year. My cousin (thanks R!!) came down to babysit, and gave us her car to use to get back/forth to North Adams. So nice not to worry about kids or transportation!

I, as usual, left the clothing issue till the last minute. No dresses suitable for an afternoon art opening that morphed into an evening dinner/dance/Steve Reich performance with lots of museum patrons and old money and artists. I had a black dress I'd bought for some wedding over 10 years ago, and felt ill-at-ease in it. I had to feel comfortable. I went mad dress shopping with R the afternoon before we left, and ended up settling on a red calvin klein satin thing that was cute but not perfect. Red's not quite my thing, but the black version was a size too big. I got black heels too, as the only wearable shoes I had at home were navy blue pumps and there was nary a blue thing in my closet. Black shoes and a red dress didn't make me happy, but I was desperate.

Once I got up to MA, after leaving R with a fridge that wasn't working and needed defrosting (why this happens to us all the time I have no idea, but it does.) and taking forever to get out of the house, I was able to relax a bit. At this point I really started having issues with the dress. I knew my obession was driving M a bit nuts, but if you're a women who rarely dresses up, you probably know what I mean. I had to feel comfortable, sexy, and not too conspicuous. I'm not a stand out of the crowd dresser, but I don't want to be totally nondescript either. The red was too strong, didn't work with the shoes, and too formal and not funky enough.

So Goodwill it was. Saturday morning after my run (delicious to run familiar hills again, remembering what they felt like pre-marathon) we went to the Goodwill that I'd frequented while we lived there, and used for things like toys and kitchen stuff. It's small, and I didn't have much hope of finding something wearable and appropriate, but figured it was worth checking and almost anything was better than the red dress at that point. I prayed on the way over, and then started shuffling thru the racks. I found a couple things that I could bear to try on, but no real hopes. The all bombed out. I took one last pass thru the store, and on the end of a row of black pants found something that looked strange. It was a skirt, misfiled, that was almost floor length, black of course, and fitted with slits up the side. A bit of hope. Over to the tops rack, a couple different black tops, and I snuck back into the dressing room. It all worked, and I was comfortable! I couldn't decide between the tops, and so got both. At 2.99 apiece it wasn't hard. With an umbrella as it was pouring rain and we had none, the total came to 11.99. Not bad!

We grabbed a quick lunch and then home to change. I ended up wearing the semi-sheer top with it, as I actually had almost perfect underwear to go with it, and strapped on the heels and was ready to go. The heels took a bit of getting used to, especially on my beat-up-missing-4-toenails feet that were still a bit sore from the marathon. When we walked in the door I was SOOO glad I wasn't wearing the red. I felt perfectly comfortable, and except for some underwear slippage that I won't detail any further, it was perfect! (the red dress was returned yesterday, and I grabbed a movie and groceries with the refund.)

I don't have any pictures of the galleries as I didn't want to be burdened with the camera and forgot to bring a purse. They can all be seen here. Michael worked mostly on the scribble ones, and on a couple painted ones which you can see in timelapse here if you want, with lots of blurry Michael. We wandered around in the crowds, and he answered some questions as he was recognized due to his mustache and it's visibility in the installation video playing in one of the rooms. A few famous faces, lots of familiar ones, and seeing the work cleaned up and finished was a delight. They only served champagne, white wine, and water as any red wine spills would have been rather disastrous.

Then on to dinner, in a red-draped room full of the patrons, installers, and the museum/yale crowd. We were placed at a table with an art historian, some patrons, and I'm not sure who else. I had a ball talking to the lady to my left, whose kids were grown and who reminded me a bit of one of my aunts. We yakked for ages. I didn't have much to say in the art parts of the conversation, as that was Michael's territory, except for one comment that I couldn't keep in. One of those times when I have something to say that I have to get out before I forget, except I didn't know what I was going to say until I opened my mouth. I had the feeling, but not the words. That happens occasionally ... well often if you count the times I just babble, but this time I actually was able to describe something (the difference between Sol's work and someone like Miro) in a way that was succinct-ish and made sense. Perhaps the wine helped?

The food was good but not stunning, and before dessert there was a peformance by Steve Reich. I'm not fond of his music, but it was better in person than recorded. Incredibly repetitive, with slight variations, and a perfect match for Sol's work. My neck hurt from craning around in my seat to watch. He did a clapping piece which I enjoyed, and then an 8-bongo piece that taxed my patience.

Dancing came next, and while it took me awhile (and a trip to the bar) to work up my nerve (I'm SO selfconscious) I had a most excellent time. The cleared the tables, and I eventually decided I didn't care, felt the music, and ditched my shoes. I think I danced more than Michael, which is a bit of a miracle as he's a bit of a dancing fiend when he has the chance. He found the music not quite to his liking so he spent some time talking too. I managed to get his boss to come out on the floor for a few minutes which took a bit of convincing, and it made me laugh because he spent the whole time analyzing it instead of dancing, which is so me it was funny. I was able to enjoy rather than overthink it for once :).

Can you tell I enjoyed myself?! We both had an excellent time, and reconnecting with the friends we'd both made up there was great.

We didn't get to bed till very late, and had a hard time getting out of town the next morning as we went to get breakfast, picked wild grapes I'd spotted on my run the day before, returned keys to the free apt we'd gotten (!), found the left-behind sweater, resaid goodbyes as we kept running into people, and stopped at the farm to pick up raw milk and cheap maple syrup. We were pretty late returning the car to R, who had a long drive home, and hopefully she's gotten caught up on sleep herself. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in years I don't think.

too funny

2008-11-17T13:10:00.001-05:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Grace!

You are a Grace -- "I need to understand the world."

Graces have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

Be independent, not clingy

Speak in a straightforward and brief manner

I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts

Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable

Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity

If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place

don't come on like a bulldozer

Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy

What I Like About Being a Grace

standing back and viewing life objectively
coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
not being caught up in material possessions and status
being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Grace

* being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world

* feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all

* being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be

* watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Graces as Children Often

spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on

have a few special friends rather than many

are very bright and curious and do well in school

have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers

watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information

assume a poker face in order not to look afraid

are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict

feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Graces as Parents

are often kind, perceptive, and devoted

are sometimes authoritarian and demanding

may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate

may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Thanks to CC for the idea :).

Yes, a lot of this hits close to home ... especially the last Parenting part. hmmm.

in other news, we had a most fabulous weekend away, in MA for the Sol LeWitt opening, and a few pics will be forthcoming shortly. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in I don't know how long. And my feet, which were still recovering from the marathon, are now recovering from dancing also. Good times :).

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

BGG on a holiday

2008-11-11T18:44:00.003-05:00

Veterans Day, cranky kids, camera, Brooklyn Botanic Garden, fun.

Did I mention that D insisted on bringing the facepaint markers along?

hmmmm

2008-11-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

Been in a bit of a funk this week. Post-marathon blues? Partly. Feeling once again I've lost my passion and can't seem to find it. My website for moms isn't doing well at all, as in no one is posting. My lack of posting there doesn't help. I voted for the first time ever, and voted blue, and am glad I did. I'm thrilled that a black man was elected, and am very glad for the hope of the nation, but don't share the incredible jubilation of my neighborhood. I'm just plain feeling flat.

It's been a wierd week. M finished his project Tuesday, and has been home. D was home for 2 days because he had 3 flea bites thanks to the cat sleeping on his bed, and they said I couldn't bring him back without a dr's note. This has happened before w/mosquito bites, and is due to his lack of vaccinations making them extra cautious. Dr didn't call back, and so it took 2 days to get in to see his colleague. And $60, which could have been a lot worse I'm sure.

I'm not sure where to put my heart. I've pulled back some because I do that when I'm getting ready to leave a place. Guarding against hurt I guess. But we're not leaving yet, and now I'm wrapped up internally and stuck in limbo.

Must shift gears, client calls.

And yes, my son needs new socks :)

My First Marathon

2008-11-03T11:42:00.004-05:00

The details are all here. Enjoy, I certainly did!

it's over.

2008-11-02T19:56:00.002-05:00

i ran the marathon today, ran my heart out and then some, and finished in 4:14:02. It was a lot harder than I thought to finish in just under my target time of 4:15, and the only way I did is that God planted the 4:15 pace leaders in my path as I headed to the start, and i tagged along, snuck into their starting lineup (not my bib color or correct start) and stayed glued to their side/rear the entire way. i wanted so badly to give up at mile 18, or slow down rather, but pushed past it. my wall :).
more tomorrow, I'm too tired to upload pics or type more. one small fact: birthing douglas was harder than running today, and that thought kept me pushing (pun intended) for many miles. amazing what your body remembers at strange times.

less than 24 hours to go ...

2008-11-01T14:33:00.003-04:00

... to my first marathon! I've been posting about it over here. I'm pretty ready, as ready as I can be. I went to the expo yesterday and picked up all my stuff ... race number (29473), chip, tyvek jacket/pants that i can tear off and toss when I'm fully warmed up, freebies, and a sign for my kids to wave at me at mile 8 :).

I'm so glad to have lots of people to look for on the route ... friends, family, a cousin volunteering at mile 17 to hand out water, in-laws in town to cheer and help babysit, and the prayers of many. My fundraising is over $5000 now, truly amazing! I just got another check in the mail today too, so that will make it even more.

It's been a long time coming and still doesn't seem quite real. I started running, with this in mind, in the first week of January, 2007. I could barely run 10 minutes (the cold didn't help!). I hope to make all the wee hours, pain, agony, and joy of it all be worth the effort. Even if something happens and I don't finish, I have NO regrets about the training. It's been an extremely healthy thing for me both physically and mentally. I love getting lost in my head when I run, and hope tomorrow proves to be no exception. It's true that it's more a mental game than a physical one. Very true.

I hope to be done 24 hours from now ... I start at 10am, and aim to finish in 4:15 so that has me crossing the finish line between 2:15 and 2:30. It's just another long run, right? With spectators. And water stations. And an agonizingly long time between when I have to get up and when I start, almost 5 hours. I dread that part a bit.

I'll post to the blog afterwards, and my running blog will have updates posted after every timing mat I cross, and there are about 18 of them ... so you can see a blow-by-blow account over there if you're interested.

Off to nap, if possible :).

Literacy Parade

2008-11-01T14:32:00.000-04:00

Getting ready in the class room. I was assigned to staple on armbands, while Fynn shrieked to get out of the stroller. I think we both added and substracted to the mayhem, evening it out.

Their chosen book was Eric Carle's From Head to Toe. They made their own costumes, and Douglas was a joyful tiger.

J is a doll, and much happier this year than last ... so nice to see.

We marched around a couple of blocks, in a somewhat disjointed fashion, and my stapler stashed in the stroller mended several costumes enroute. Always a fun day!

We Want Candy!

2008-10-31T21:49:00.000-04:00

They got their fill, and are still swirling around in the bedroom at almost 10pm. that white wire thing on D's staff is a dove, btw, if that helps with his identification.

T-36:15 for the marathon, and i've had virtually no sleep in the last 2 nights due to nerves, and a large case of fleas on my beloved and sick cat, which he managed to spread all over the house and get totally infested with before i realized what those little black and white gritty flecks were on my dresser. having no previous experience with them, i was clueless and thought it was the new clumping catlitter falling off his feet. i was rather wrong.

I'm off to bed. Hoping to join NaBloPoMo again, we'll see. Tomorrow starts it if I do.

a bit of a rant on my day

2008-10-25T17:23:00.002-04:00

M's at work again today as he's back to 6-day weeks, and squeezing in apt repairs at night and rather tired. The boys are alternately playing quietly and tearing the house to shreds in their antsiness, it's cold and rainy out. We were out twice this morning, to the vet and farmers market, and neither got to run free in any way so it didn't really help the energy issues!

You should have seen the vet trip ... I couldn't get the cat carrier out of the front room in time as R (out subletter in the front room) was still asleep, and M was off at work already, so I had to take the boys, and the cat, sans carrier. I put him in a cardboard box w/a lid, in fynn's larger stroller, tied down with a bungee cord. (time out just taken to remove fynn's hands, and the paint roller, from the tin of quick-drying spack he got open. joy. all the tools are out from under the bed as M's still in the middle of the upstairs patching project. there are days that living in a small apt. does me in!).

back to the cat. D pushed fynn in the small stroller, i pushed dominic in the big one, having to stop every half block and shove his head back down in the box as he could push up the bungee cording no matter how i wrapped it. still has some fight in him despite being weaker! we get to the vets and thankfully there was a fish tank in the lobby. a few minutes of relative peace.

then they put us (and, barely, the 2 strollers) into an exam room, asked a few questions, and told us to wait for the doctor. one lady brought in crayons and coloring pages, which helped for about 90 seconds and then became a source of strife. crayons broken, lost, thrown in the trash and denied retrieval (I'd seen her throw in a bird-poop-kleenex, who knows what else was in there!) fynn darting behind the exam table and heading for the giant ... uncovered ... bin of used syringes under the table. over and over. dominic trying to escape the room, with the back door having been left ajar. the large container of raisins/cranberries i'd brought to distract fynn being accidentally dumped all over the floor. one floor that i would NOT let them be eaten from (there aren't many to be honest, but the vets office is one of them ...) so many tears as they were dumped in the trash.

vet finally came in, examined dominic on top of the coloring pages, with the remaining broken crayons skittering off the table. i danced between holding him for the vet and soothing him, grabbing fynn and stopping him from pushing the stroller and tangling it up in the 2nd one, and trying not to think about dominic's actual condition. the vet said it could be kidneys, diabetes, or a couple other things, and wanted bloodwork run.

i called M about it while she was out of the room, swallowed tears that it wasn't going to be done but felt it was the right decision, loaded cat into now-wet-from-pee box, wadded up the wet towel in the end, strapped him in, strapped a fussing fynn in, and eventually manoevered both strollers back into the waiting room to pay for the exam and hairball creme we ended up with ... wondering how much of the chaos in the exam room had been highly audible, thru the flimsy door, to the now-full waiting area. decided i didn't much care. accepted help getting the strollers out the door, and breathed a sigh of relief that it was, for now, over.

would feel guilty if i hadn't had him checked out, and will see how the week goes. might take him next weekend (or after the marathon) to get the bloodwork done. will see.

originally written to my folks in an email, repurposed here.

4 things

2008-10-24T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm very pleased to have snagged this from the trash heap at the park ...

After my first run in my new marathon Jersey ...

And need prayers for this beast, who is not doing well at all. Kidney failure again I'm sure, giving him some meds but not too much better. Still eating if I give him raw meat, but not much else.

Oh, and I got a new client today :).

a bit stuck

2008-10-23T20:56:00.000-04:00

I can't catch up, but have been away. Away in my head that is.

A few things.

Last week I went on a field trip w/D's class to Green Meadows Farm in Queens. Quite the experience, and one that involved hundreds of shrieking K/1/2nd graders in the same few acres. I needed a drink. I didn't get one. Some more pics are here.

The marathon is barely 10 days away. I'm as ready as I can be, not nervous, reasonably realistic, and mostly looking forward to it. A brief update, and pic of my snazzy jersey, is here.

That post doesn't mention that 3 of my toenails are falling off as a result of training, probably because the last pair of shoes I had had inserts that wouldn't stay put. I should have figured out the super-gluing trick a lot sooner (for the inserts, not the toes ... tho that is a thought!)

The show I was at? The one with all that preparation, agony, nerves, and expense? It sucked. No other way to really put it. The promised traffic was not only not there, there was practically none. really. I think it's generous to say 400 people showed up all day, and 15,000 were promised. The 200+ vendors there were not happy, to say the least. The redeeming feature was spending time with my sister, friend K, and cousin. Three of my favorite women. That part was wonderful. The rest, not so much. Anyone need 500 copies of 101 Ways to Stay Sane in an Economic Crisis? Just holler.

I'm addicted to the computer, not that you can tell from my posting schedule. I'm using it as an escape way too often. I need to spend more time on real relationships, and less on lurking.

The new subletter is good, cheerful, and nice to have around. Not so much though. Around that is ... he works from home, and while I knew this, I guess it didn't really sink in that he'd be here almost all the time. We're getting settled into routines about leaving doors shut during the day and all that, but I do miss my privacy. It's hard to have to remember to be fully dressed at all times ... sigh.

I watched Who Does She Think She Is? earlier this week, and can only say that I think all moms with creative itches of any kind should watch the movie if at all possible. It's supposed to open in other cities in the coming months, and be available on DVD. I wrote about it here. I was in tears many times.

That movie made me re-realize something I've know for years but seem to still have trouble dealing with. I've always considered myself artistic, but not an artist per se. I have a fine art degree mind you, and did my share of painting, drawing, and sculpting, and loved it. I don't have a burning need to paint or explode, like M does, but I do have a burning need to create things, mostly with my hands. That need has been stifled for years for the most part. At various times it's been fufilled by house renovations, stone deck building, book making, scrapbooking of sorts, sewing, painting rooms, building furniture, cooking for a crowd, designing books, logos, websites, and many other things. The electronic work has taken precedence over the more tangible stuff as space is limited, and we've been renting for the last 8 years, and ... the big and ... because I felt intimidated by my husband's abilities in all those areas and so pulled back. He's an incredibly talented artist, and I somehow get lost in some crazy competitive landscape where I feel like my creations are inferior in some way, so I don't try so much. I need to get over that stupid notion, and spend more time creating and less time staring at a screen.

I miss having a house where people dropped by all the time. I have a couple, well one really, friend who drops by often and spontaneously, but that's it. Otherwise, in this busy city, we stay busy and don't socialize enough. It takes effort to get around, and sure kids are a slowdown, but there are many we could have contact with that we don't. That has to change before we move. That means I have to change, and not be so busy. I'm less so now than I was awhile ago, and am better at keeping things slowed down, but I have miles to go. I still crave the slowness of the summer.

8 years and counting ...

2008-10-08T00:03:00.003-04:00

Today is our 8th anniversary, and as it didn't go according to plan I'm posting this hodgepodge before I crash into bed :). M's at the studio getting in a few hours, after helping me w/Fynn today so I could get lots of my work done towards this show I'm in this weekend.
He bought me flowers :) and my 'gift' back was to send him to the studio from dinnertime tonight to dinnertime tomorrow, when my FIL plans to babysit so we can have one of those rare dates. Whee! Sadly, a client called and needs him tomorrow, and he can't sniff at work after not having any for 10 days, so he's coming home in a few hours to get some sleep before work. Sad when he'd been so looking forward to a long haul there :( He's at home w/the boys from Thursday thru Monday and while I'm away, and we'll see how sane he is at the end of all that ...

Watching cartoons ... lovely pair!

Then today's portraits ...

Posed by M, and he loved it ... hammed it up. Please note the lovely socks ...

The best of today's 10 minute photo shoot before supper, I don't like it but it's better than what I was using as a bio picture so it's going on my bios for the show.

M's self portrait from today, or one of them rather. Maybe we'll actually get a pic of the two of us tomorrow night, how come we never ever do that? Or family pics? Somehow they never happen.

Wanted to post a couple wedding pics, but the scanner is down and I'm too tired to hunt for the few digitals we have. Another day :). Feels like more than 8 years, that goes w/out saying. I think our reactions to things today say a lot about how much we've changed. Little drama, lots of understanding.

of shofars and mermaids and wires

2008-10-01T23:52:00.003-04:00

it's been a day.

it started with m taking the boys, dropping Fynn at school, and taking D to the Met to see the armor. D was off for 2 days for Rosh Hashanna. I got my running gear on, trotted over to my friend S's picked her up and ran to Prospect Park to do a couple laps. As we were entering the park, we started to pass a group of Hassidic men and boys who were gathered on the median. S called out "happy new year!" to them, and one called back something about a shofar? wasn't sure what he said, but he started almost trotting behind us, and asked if we were ready? i muttered sure, not knowing what i'd agreed to but was intrigued enough about being chased by someone who normally won't even look me in the eye, that i was game. they started to run behind us, with the one who'd spoken taking out his rams horn and blowing it madly. chasing us down the road. i felt like i'd stumbled into the most bizarre parade, but was entirely amused. S was a bit freaked out and sped up. After about 20 yards they said something about running and stopped. I asked a Jewish friend tonight about the whole deal, and found that they believe that if ALL jews hear the sound of the shofar, the Messiah will come. S's Happy New Year probably made them think we might be jewish ... either way I got a kick out of the parade!

The mermaids made their appearance at the salon where i got a haircut today. i found the place via a facebook ad ... they sell discount slots at salons for blank spots in their appointment book. i still paid too much, but it was half of their normal price. the fact that it was called Michael Angelo's Wonderland might have clued me in to fact that it wasn't a demure place ... a stuffed cheetah wearing jewelry in front of the desk, getting Hello Dahling'ed upon arrival, fake flowers matted on the walls, scratch and sniff wallpaper! (this I discovered by reading the website After i was there, alas ... ), lucite chairs, mermaids with hot pink teased hair, enclosed in glass bubbles and hanging from the ceiling, waterfalls of blue tinsel ... you get the idea. the fact that it was in the west village and boasted a modeling/vogueing/celebrity clientelle might have given me a clue.

I had a great time :). Gabriel took care of me, didn't suggest anything wild, and gave me a great cut. The pic doesn't do it justice, though it's pretty simple. i have bangs again! i was in my teens the last time that happened i think. i looked up the site once i got home, and discovered that 1) i royally undertipped (you're supposed to pay 15-20 of the normal price, not the discounted one) and 2) that Gabriel has also cut lots of celebrity hair including some names even I recognize :).

Before I crash, the wire ... Man on Wire to be exact, the movie I saw tonight. Fascinating and disturbing in the end ... a man driven by a dream, a complex but oh so simple dream, and his path to it. And what happened afterwards, which was the part that bothered me. I won't spoil it, but his resemblance to M fell apart for me at the end! His dream? To walk on a tightrope between the world trade center towers. He did it, 1/4 mile up, and the images are haunting.

It's been an interesting day.

firsts

2008-09-27T14:43:00.001-04:00

Douglas finally lost his first tooth, and boy was he ever pleased :) It wasn't the result of falling off a bike or smashing his face on the sidewalk, contrary to what it looks like ... those scabs are from a 2-week long bout of some kind of skin infection, which earned him teasing and a few tears at school.

This one had to imitate, or course, and there was a lot of "hurts, hurts" heard for the next bit.

Nothing could compare to the tears this morning, coming from D. I'm so tired of the excuses for not getting dressed by himself, he's perfectly capable. I sent him to get dressed this morning, and told him to wear something longsleeved (and reminded him which drawer it was in, as he hasn't dug in there yet this year). I was finishing up after my shower, and said I'd come dress Fynn and then we'd leave for the farmer's market.

Almost 10 minutes later I went into his room, and he was playing on the bed, still in his PJ's. When I asked what he was doing, his reason for not being dressed was that he couldn't find anything he liked to wear! There were about 8 long sleeved things to choose from, several that he liked a lot last year. I'd had enough, and told him to just go get his coat on, and he'd have to go in his PJ's. You'd have thought I'd told him I was throwing away every single toy he owned! Oh my goodness. And the PJ's were red plaid and could be thought of as just pants, and he had a big red hoodie to cover up the top half. Haven't seen him that upset in I can't remember how long.

I wasn't going to back down, and he ended up having a great time and no one questioned him at all about them. Here's hoping it will make him think twice before doing it again! Perhaps too severe, but it's the end of a long road of dressing complaints.

M is due to walk thru the door in about 5 minutes, from his last 3 week stint in MA. Yay! They left one piece with a 'saggy' varnish coat, so someone might have to go back up in a couple weeks for a few days, but that doesn't really count.

and PS. prayers really appreciated for my ankle to totally heal, it's still not and I've had to skip another major workout today. the marathon is only 6 weeks away!

the waiting is almost over ...

2008-09-23T13:17:00.000-04:00

... for M to come home
... for my ankle to heal (3 miles this morning and it felt good!)
... for the economy to truly fall apart
... for me to launch my new discussion forum for my sane moms site.
... for the marathon to arrive
... for my new shoes to be broken in
... for me to pick what's next after the marathon (swimming this week, to rest the ankle, planted an idea ...)
... for us to have someone live with us again
... for me to be able to wear long sleeves all day and be comfortable
... for piles of leaves to jump in
... for the last popsicle of summer
... for the hunt for a new place to live to kick into gear.

-----------------
The weekend sucked. I wasn't able to run Saturday, and found it horribly depressing (first non-running saturday in months). I was terrified my ankle was fractured, tired of constant questions and arguments from D, and tired of no help with the kids. Tired of cooking. Tired of my computer. Tired of fighting web design problems. Tired of everything. We managed to get out both days, but I was SO glad when Sunday night arrived. Monday I woke up feeling much more positive, got to the gym and swam a little over a half mile again, and started to feel hopeful. Solved most of the web issues, and feel like the end is in sight for many things. I have my hope back :).

hmmm

2008-09-14T22:17:00.002-04:00

feeling nostalgic today. found lots of pics on facebook of people that I haven't seen in ages, remembered what it felt like to have a huge crowd of people who were familiar to me and I was always eager to see them. went to a birthday party and saw friends I haven't seen in ages too, and it was good to connect. one mom lives near me and we've never managed to get together outside of our mutual friend's kid's birthdays, but mayhap we will this time :).

ran 21 yesterday so pretty flat for the whole weekend, let the boys watch a movie yesterday and sat on the couch all afternoon. starting to see what they mean when they say that marathon-type distances really increase your chances of injury. my left ankle is my weak spot, and i'm sure hoping it lasts.

had a bizarre scary incident tonight which makes me think i better start locking the door here. the new neighbors upstairs had a bbq this afternoon, and lots of people up on their roofdeck. not long after i put the boys down i was sitting (oh surprise!) at my computer in our bedroom and the front door opened. I tensed, got up and walked towards the door, and saw a man step into the apartment and stand there looking at me, with something in his hand. i wasn't wearing glasses and only the dining room light was on, so i wasn't sure what it was and he just stood there looking at me. i said something like "what do you want?" and he muttered something like "sorry" and walked out, leaving the door open. i followed him out into the hall and found him trying to let someone in the front door, fumbling with the latch. it took me a second to put the pieces together: there were some bbq guests hanging out on the front porch, and he was a bit drunk and had mistaken our door for the outer door. i came in, shut the door, and put on the chain. my heart was pounding a bit there, not knowing what he wanted and why he was standing there w/out saying anything.

douglas puked up his supper after i made him eat 2 pieces of cheddar cheese with it, as his only protein. sudden aversions to cheese, though he loves it in melted form? go figure. i won't be forcing that one again.

i miss my family, and my husband. i'm glad it's only 2 more weeks. the time apart has been good, and i think we've grown to appreciate each other a lot more.

must advertise for a subletter, i've been dragging my feet tho the room is ready. responded to one ad, but didn't post my own. have to get that rolling. acceptance.

hmmm.

my boys

2008-09-08T15:47:00.000-04:00

Storytime is rather sacred in our house, and after baths with freshly laundered children it becomes even more pleasant than usual. M leaves again tomorrow for 3 more weeks or so, and bedtime stories will become my domain again. I've enjoyed the time off from it, as have the boys ... dad's always more imaginative (meaning he usually tells them, not reads them) and goes into great detail with difference voices and characters.

Lunch today was a very simple affair, and greatly enjoyed by all. Especially the washerwoman. That crazy headband was an attempt to keep his hair out of his eyes, and sticky hands. Worked pretty well actually, for the meal at least.

This one doesn't need a headband to look crazy, just a day or two without showering. No doubt as to parentage, is there?

In other news, I'm coming to accept being back in the city, for now, but readjusting priorities a bit.

And I ran 19.5 miles on Saturday, in 99% humidity, and managed to stagger home afterwards and was amazingly not that sore yesterday or today! Whee :). I was DONE after the run though, and so glad there was a race in the park that morning so I could pilfer water cups from their refueling stations. The mile and a half cooldown was harder than than the last 2 miles of running. Strange. My friend S came with me, my first company on long runs, and it was nice to have.

I imagine once the race is over, and the focus theron, I'll have more thoughts on living here or not. Thoughts continue, and VA and WV are starting to figure into the thinking, but who knows. Not knowing has it's appeal as much as knowing I think. When possibilites are wide, it feels good.

milestones

2008-09-03T22:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Douglas' first day of first grade, back at the same school as last year. He was excited to go, and so much more mature about it all than last year. He was a bit hesitant to have me leave, but no clinging, fussing, or anything like it. I spent the next hour, after leaving him with his class in the schoolyard, in the front office of the school waiting to reregister him as they'd not gotten the proper notice from the DOE and had him assigned to another school. Thankfully they still had all his info and didn't need to do more than recheck it, once they got to me. Fynn spent the entire time opening and closing the half-door to the area behind the desk.

Today was Fynn's first day of preschool, at the same Co-op that Douglas went to when he was 4. They have a "Ladybug" and "Caterpillar" class for the 2's and 3's, and I think he's about the youngest Ladybug in the bunch. He'd gotten to pick out his lunchbag at the store a couple weeks ago, and was terribly possessive of it and couldn't wait to go to "my stool". He was a bit shy at first but within a minute was off playing with the other kids, and put up no fuss whatsoever when I left him. He took his nap there sans "pillow", a first in the last year. I've learned by now that their behavior away from me is extremely different than when they're at home. He's proving to be no exception. When we went to pick him up (Douglas gets off half an hour before he does) he didn't want to leave! Go figure.

Hard to believe this picture was taken on D's last day at the Co-op, and I had already started labor with Fynn but got it stopped for most of the day so I could go to D's graduation. Fynn was born the next morning. Hard to believe it was only 2 years ago. It appears that D's hair and glee haven't change much, though his love for his brother has certainly increase. He's gotten very protective and helpful around Fynn, which is a delight to see. Brothers.

winding up

2008-08-28T10:08:00.004-04:00

We're "winding up" our time in MA this week, and it's an apt term. my stomach has been tying itself in tighter and tighter knots as the moving date (3 days away) approaches. I've been finding myself almost in a panic about it. Trying to identify why gets messy. I've loved many many things about this summer.

No pressure from school schedules or morning routines.
Green trees, fresh air, and rolling hills
Training in the country, with no exhaust issues and lots of friendly neighbors
A group of friends who always have bbqs and picnics and easy conversation
A lot of time with my husband and kids.
A car to make some trips that otherwise would have been complicated
Being away from mail (forwarding worked once all summer, who knows what I've missed!)
Having only one active client, and not fussing about getting more
Sunshine.
Cool weather all summer
Waterfalls and ponds and beaches
Raw milk and farm veggies every day of the week
An apartment that I didn't really care about and wasn't nice enough to bother making nicer.
Porches that I could use w/out climbing out a window
Being able to actually see the sunset (and occasional sunrise)
Seeing the moon huge and bloody on the horizon, not halfway up in the sky, small and pale
Having good friends come to visit, and not fussing with parking
Huge tree swings, zip lines, and tree houses
Few things to fuss with, worry about, or deal with
Just being a mom, with a few side things to stretch my technical side

I could go on. It's been wonderful and truly relaxing.

We all return to the city for the next week, school starts Tuesday for D and Wednesday for F, and M comes back up here the following weekend for another 3 weeks or so. Back to single parenting, fitting in much longer runs (begging babysitting), getting two kids ready and off to school in two different directions, clients, getting ready for the WAHM conference I'm exhibiting/attending/speaking at in October, having to pitch in on a team at the coop school and be somewhat involved there, finding a subletter for the frontroom again, and the other things that go along with life in brooklyn with two kids.

I don't want to lose the peace and relaxation, though I don't mind the work itself. I'm afraid I'll get sucked into the the ratrace again. I can conscously try to keep things simple and relaxed, but it's not easy. Toying with the idea of keeping F home from school and finding a sitter or playgroup for the two days he'd be going. It would eliminate all the coop responsibilities and dropoffs (a mile walk away) but adds the stress of finding someone asap. Not sure what to do there. The first bill is due in 10 days, so I have that long to decide I guess. I'd lose my deposit, but it's probably worth that.

The day winds on, the boys (A who's visiting, and D) are in the tub, and Fynn is climbing into the cabinet again and begging "shut it mama" so life calls.

lots to say and no time to say it

2008-08-22T07:43:00.002-04:00

been wanting to blog for days about my increasing feeling of desperation and panic about moving back to nyc. i want to go home, but don't yet know where home is. it's not here in MA, and it's no longer in nyc either.

i leave in an hour, with the boys, for a birthday party in PA this afternoon. it's a bit of a drive (6 hours or so) and I'm not relishing the thought. I have to do my longest run yet tomorrow morning, and it's hard to do after a long long day of sitting and no chance for a nap. we shall see how it goes. i hope to write more when i get back.

Strange Fruit

2008-08-18T09:43:00.006-04:00

Part of the weekend was seeing Strange Fruit's "Swoon" show at MASS MoCA. Circus-like comedy and moves, no speech, set to music.

We were all mesmerised. My Flickr set is here. There's more info here (and some videos in their Repertoire section) Very very cool!

we had a great weekend

2008-08-18T00:35:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you more about it tomorrow ... If you want to Google Strange Fruit, that's part of it :).

last post for tonight

2008-08-15T18:42:00.002-04:00

With the completion of this, I'm a LOT less stressed and looking forward to a more relaxed weekend :). I've been meaning to rebrand my coaching for awhile, and the big conference coming up spurred me to put it into place earlier than intended. I had to get the new logo to them for banner production by Monday, and sent it off earlier tonight. Whew!

visiting old friends

2008-08-15T18:20:00.002-04:00

Nothing like catching up with old friends who we haven't seen in ages, and finding things just the same between us, and the kids older and more able to interact.

The interaction between these two was pretty funny, he decided to corner her and she wasn't too sure about it. Mostly they ignored each other as typical two-year-olds will. They're only 4 days apart in age.

These two did well together also, and both are very much in the "HAM" category, having picked it up from their fathers. So funny to watch.

The father of Ham #2, JC, just made partner at his consulting firm, and had saved a special bottle of wine to celebrate it with us. His enjoyment of the moment added much to mine :). And the wine? Very very tasty :).

The carafe, purchased just for the occasion.

Good friends, great times, and utterly enjoyable.

Camping

2008-08-15T18:14:00.004-04:00

I love my sister :).

This one has a good dose of spunk, and an imagination to rival Douglas', which makes their playdates rather entertaining as the alternate between play and rivalry.

The stone thing we built became the Clam Fortress of the younger crowd, and we were all asked to choose what type of clams we were (Booger and Iron were the main choices).

Two of a kind.

Dad has infinite patience with the younger ones, and they get pretty attached to him too. This one cried for him often, and would fuss if he walked past and didn't pick him up. He turned 1 while we were there :).

Tom rented a pontoon boat for the last day, and it was enjoyed to the hilt. Ferrying people back and forth to the beach, out to the middle of the lake to go swimming in deep water, and just plain out for joyrides. As you can see, none of the life preservers were small enough to be of any use :). It came off pretty rapidly after the first trip.

The chauffeur

In her element :).

The miracle glasses and their relieved owner! The second day they were left in the sand at the beach, atop a shirt, while out swimming. They were lost in the repacking, and possibly shaken in to the lake while cleaning off sand. We hunted for 2 days, on the beach, in the water, and everywhere inbetween. The last day, as we were choosing a spot to put our gear, mom suggested the lifeguard tower. As I walked over to it and went to drop our stuff, I came almost nose-to-nose with something hanging from a hook on the crossbar of the tower, and lo and behold it was the missing glasses. A huge relief as they were only 2 months old and not the cheapest pair by a long shot. Not even a scratch on them either! Answered prayers for sure :).

did i mention we're back?

2008-08-14T14:22:00.001-04:00

Back in MA, that is, and I hit the ground running, tho the internet was down initially.
Running literally, as well as figuratively. I've got a big coaching opportunity coming up, which means many things have to be done/finished/reprinted before Oct 11th.

Vacation was wonderful, and truly relaxing, except for the self-imposed stress of fitting in runs, which I did and am not sorry for. Fifteen miles last weekend :). The pic above is from camping, and shows the part I enjoyed almost the most, except for being with family. M and I built the deliberate-looking portion of the rock jumble you see above, on the shore next to our campsite. I was heavenly to fit/piece/haul rocks to build something useful and enjoyable, and I didn't spend nearly as much time on it as I wanted to.

Visiting friends was good, despite the heart-attack news received while at one house, and the hospital location of Danimal, who could use a ton of prayers and is still there. His skydiving accident was pretty brutal, and he'll be in rehab for years and lots of questions as to the possible outcomes of it all.

I hope to post more, but will do so when I can find the time. Lots more pics to share, and stories :).

finding home

2008-07-28T14:39:00.009-04:00

We went to G&D's summer place on Saturday, so that G and M could go into Brooklyn together for a gig that G's band had. That left D and I, our 2 boys each, and almost all of G's Italian family filling the house with commentary, banter, (mostly in italian of course), loads of food, and the usual jockeying that goes on between siblings and parents of what to do, when, with how many people, and once a decision is made it's discarded and remade several times before it gets settled on. (Heavy foreshadowings of our family camping later this week, I'm sure! Just minus the italian ...)

Initally I felt very out of place, as the boys and I were staying overnight (loads of bedrooms) but I still felt intrusive into their family enclave, as welcoming as they were. It didn't help that Douglas hauled out a chess set within 3 minutes of arrival, and accidentally knocked the pieces all over the floor, some of them marble and broken. One of the uncles freaked out, and didn't take D's assurances that they had been mostly broken already (it was a hodge-podge of several old sets and I don't doubt she was right) too well. His edginess put me on edge more than I already was. I knew that the parents who came (Nono and Nona) rarely venture out of their home in the Bronx, and had made special pains to come be with their kids. They welcomed me, shoved extra food at me, and made me feel like I belonged. I realized near the end of dinner that if I was to have a good time, and they weren't to feel obligated, that I just better relax and make myself at home and stop feeling like a 3rd wheel. Fynn's single-handed charming of the edgy uncle, and the kids going down to the basement to play (full of giant blocks, mats, dress up clothes, ride on toys, and mouse poop) helped a lot :).

After breakfast on Sunday, the boys holed up in front of the TV and watched a Sponge Bob marathon, keeping amazingly quiet.

The house (former barn) is huge and roomy and so comfortable, you can't help feel at home there. But the part that made it truly a home was the love/connections between the family members, and between G and D and us. G's always had the ability to make me see the value of relaxation and flowing from one activity to the next, for some reason. Letting connections be made and thoughts expressed, without being too careful about things that don't really matter.

In my wandering around the property, I'd seen some ropes hanging from the trees, across the marshy lake that separated the house from most of the surrounding forest. I'd done some creek wading, and when M and G returned late-morning, I left the kids and went and checked them out. Sure enough, there was a long rope swing with a t-bar at the bottom, an even taller (35+ feet) rope swing with a log seat and the most delicious gentle arc to it, and a rope ladder that looked like a ship's rigging strung between two trees.

I tried them out, then went back and convinced the men and boys to come along and join the fun. There was much joyful squealing, some squabbling about turns, and then the thunder drove us back into the house.

We packed and left, leaving G and D awaiting the return of their family from church. It was time to go and leave them to their own, and yet hard too as they are so open in sharing what they have. Lovely friends, people, and parents.

I realized on the way home that I was having these momentary flashes of familiar and unfamiliar. We'd driven that way a couple times, and some of the sights were already in my memory bank, and others seemed totally new. I've been having that a lot with my running lately also, as I go the same routes around here multiple times. The web of 'familiar MA' is growing daily.

The desire for familiar things. Calling MA home for now, and referring to Bklyn as bklyn. Douglas loving it here, starting to recognize things, and wishing he lived here. Where is home to be? It's wherever we choose to feel it, wherever we are as family, but roots are starting to play a part. Where do we plant them? I feel the pull to do so, and yet a fear too of getting too settled to travel. I feel like there are two very strong desires in there, and the two are always dancing. New things and familiar things. Familiar is comfortable, known, easy, and predictable. Understood. New things can be disturbing, vague, shaky, and exhilarating. Full of potential and wonder and joy. So can the familiar I suppose, but it's not as easy.

I love both things. I want a new place to put down roots, discover, contribute to, reshape and make into beautiful things, connect, and grow in. A place my boys will revel in, not feel bound by. I want them to live outside, not inside. I think I want to too.

Friday Musings

2008-07-25T15:59:00.003-04:00

I've done nothing but post pics lately, and I have more waiting in the wings, but thought I'd babble a bit instead. Missed it, did you? Riiiight.

Been thinking a lot lately about what to do when this mostly idyllic summer is over, and I'm not sure what's next. We both really really want to get land and build something simple on it, but as the moolah to do so is in no way in evidence yet, there are hurdles to be passed. Lowering our expenses once we return to Brooklyn for starters (another tenant most likely ... big sigh) and figuring out what income we need and where we want to settle.

The house we were at last night (returning G and D's visit to their summer quarters just an hour south of us) helped cement the desire to build from stone, near water. They are staying in a converted stone barn on a huge acreage tucked into some forest, next to a pond and river. The stone walls, pine floors, and light and space was wonderful. We ended up spending the night, and slept in one of the upper bedrooms with windows thrown wide to hear the frogs and crickets and rushing water. I was, however, fully awakened at 3am (after half waking up at 2:3o when Michael crawled in) by something thumping around the room, loudly. It sounded like a rat or squirrel, and my first thought was that one was getting into the bread in my bag on the side table. Michael fumbled for the light, to be greeted by a large bat flying frantically around the small room. (The wide open windows were screened, I'm not sure how or when he got in.) I let Michael dance around, take out screens and try to shoo him, and watched from my perch mostly beneath the covers. Conveniently, he swooped out into the hall, then back into the room, but clonked himself on the door and fell straight into the empty bowl that was propping the door open :). Michael slapped the screen he was brandishing down over the bowl, we looked at and admired him for a bit, and then tossed him out the window. He was a good 10" across at least, and rather nice looking to be honest. Lovely interlude :). Then we overslept a bit, and made it back just in time for M to head to work. I got my bikeride in at noon, and am a bit burnt as a result.

Back to the fall and what's next ... I've been really pulling away from wanting to coach for the last few months, babbled about it before with no answers, and have rather enjoyed having 2 clients on hiatus and only one active one for the last month. A truly lazy-feeling summer, despite a few weekend trips as we take full advantage of having a car. (A car mind you that needed new brakes/discs/CV joint last week ... we're splitting costs with the owner, but ouch.) The last time I had the "want to let it lapse" feeling strongly, I got 3 new clients in a month without doing anything. This time? I've gotten 3 requests to work with other coaches and mom-sites, one to do audio recording, one to be a guest writer and panel discussion speaker, and then one today that's for a possible panel discussion slot at a huge WAHM conference in the fall. Pursuing the things to see what the possibilities really are, but a little unsure. Once again, I did nothing and the things were dropped into my lap. God telling me to keep pursuing it? Not sure, but they are open doors for now so I'm looking into them. I did say I didn't want to do marketing and finding of clients, and these 3 things are all things that will drive traffic to my sites at the very least, if not get me clients. Hmm.

It did prompt me to put a new face on Sane Moms, as squarespace debuted a huge new upgrade and has lots of new features, and it went reasonably painlessly tho i haven't checked for broken links yet.

I'm getting stronger feelings about how I'd like to live, and what I don't want to continue with, and if coaching is to be a part of that in a formal way, then so be it. It certainly seems to be for now.

Visiting MASS MoCA

2008-07-24T09:45:00.004-04:00

G and D and kids came to spend the day w/us yesterday, and we hopped over to MASS MoCA where M is working to see the museum (the hit for the kids was the Miss Rockaway exhibit, very very cool), and then after-hours go went in to see what he's been working on.

Keeping tired kids away from the walls was a bit scary, one touch can ruin a spot as most of them aren't varnished yet.

An insane amount of detail work goes on, repetitive and crazily perfect things done by hand, slowly, over a period of months. The process seems as important as the piece, if not more so.

Some of the pencil line drawings (I didn't get any pics of those) had teams of 3 people just sharpening leads all day, while others drew straight lines, in various combinations, over and over again.

Michael worked on this one, with one other person, for a couple of months. Taping, painting many coats, untaping, taping, fixing, etc. No color touches itself.

This is his current project, and a scribble drawing, which is his favorite. He's managing a team of green interns, which adds to the joy of trying to get it right the first time. Fixing is painful, slow, and sometimes involves repainting and starting a section over. He's always coming home with graphite smears all over him. That's all drawn with scribbles of pencil.

More pics here, and more to come.

We went to the beach yesterday

2008-07-21T16:06:00.000-04:00

Girls Weekend

2008-07-17T21:26:00.002-04:00

Given the fact that I've been home for 4 days, I'm a bit behind in posting about the weekend but so be it. It was a very welcome getaway, to Philly with 3 of my favorite people W, BB, and KHF. We got a hotel near U of Penn, which I accidentally toured on foot at midnight, hauling a cooler and a backpack and sweatshirt, thinking I could cut thru campus to get back to the hotel I'd driven past, but no such luck. One very sweaty tank top and 15 minutes and a crampy arm later I was the first to arrive. A delight to sink into posh bedding, mounds of pillows, and good conversation almost immediately. Kudos to BB for getting the hotel (a Hilton) for 70-something a night on Priceline as it's a 200+ a night hotel. I went easy on the wine/cheese/olives/chocolate tradition as I planned to run a long one before the other 2 were up the next morning.

I dragged myself out of bed at a respectable 7:30, and took myself off to the waterfront park based on a map I'd looked up the night before on mapmyrun.com, a great site for finding routes in strange cities! I did my 9 and a bit miles, and wished I could go further ... shady, beautiful, along a river full of sculling crews and old trees and cool stone. I came back to a dark room and 2 sleeping girls, and knew I'd be dying for a nap while they'd be raring to go later in the afternoon. I was right ... though the flea market we'd found WAS hard to tear ourselves away from. I came home with a beaded belt which I love.

Then off to dinner at a local cafe W'd read about which was great food, and we were joined by KHF who had to tear herself away from a panicking husband and 2 small girls. We took off for the MANN center, and our seats for the Raising Sand tour featuring Robert Plant, Allison Krauss, and T-bone Burnett. A most delightful show, despite the yahoos in front of us who must have been in and out 42 times, and a lot of amusing drama as to who came with/left with who, seat hopping, etc.

They did a lot of their album, which I loved, and many things more specific to each of them also. Having a crowd of bluegrass (Alison) fans mixed with a crowd of Led Zeppelin (Plant) fans was very weird and quite amusing. Some obviously only cared for one or the other, while we and many others enjoyed both to the hilt. Fascinating to see Plant sing backup to Krauss' powerful "Down to the River to Pray" and then hear her belt out a solid Zeppelin tune and keep Plant on his toes. They both did an amazing job of truly getting into the other's music style, and contributing something meaningful. I'd go again in a heartbeat.

Sunday we had trouble getting moving as sleeping in is such a luxury at this point for all of us, and then BB missed her bus (thanks in part to our foot-dragging) so we got mexican food downtown, and the most amazing gelato I've had outside of Rome, and possibly topping even that. Thai coconut milk and Mojito were my two choices, both unbelievably intense flavors.

I had a long drive home and didn't leave till 4, as I had to 'swing by' Brooklyn to pick up my computer, which Dell refused to ship to MA (long story) and I did so to find that our block was having the Afro Punk party that afternoon, with the stage set up RIGHT outside our front door, and it was also the subletters birthday and she had friends over. I had to elbow my way thru crowds to get in/out, kick people off my stoop each time I came in/out, and try to get the things I needed as quickly as possible (camping gear which didn't fit the first time, a few tapes, etc). while answering questions about windows and locks and keys.

I escaped and got home before midnight, and couldn't believe how badly I wanted to get back out of Brooklyn and to the relative peace of MA. I'm sure the party chaos helped, but it's incredibly nice to be among the hills and trees and have a much slower pace of things. The desire to continue to pare down things and obligations and responsibilities continues to be a big one.

Potty Training

2008-07-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

It's been going well, despite my erratic approach to it.

He loves pooping in exchange for NaNow.

And finds things to occupy himself while sitting on the toilet, including self-exams of past boo boos, hair combing, singing, and reading.

As well as the occasional appearance of the ghost of potty-training past.

If only every trip to the bathroom could be so entertaining!

well that was no fun

2008-07-08T20:20:00.004-04:00

last night, i let dominic out for the first time since coming to MA. i figured he'd been here long enough, and could handle it, and i was tired of shooing him away from the door. so before his supper, i let him go, figuring he'd be back in a couple of hours.

to make a long story short ...

he didn't come back.

i cried.

a lot.

i imagined all sorts of things.

i assumed i'd never see him again.

i needed to cry a lot, had needed to for a long time.

he was found, wailing piteously under the deck below ours, almost 24 hours later.

i rejoiced.

i felt immensely better.

the end.

Carnival

2008-07-07T21:53:00.000-04:00

We headed to the carnival Saturday night, and the boys had a ball. Glowing swords, rides, milkshakes, and lots of stomach-churning was had by all. I was surprised at how many stomach-twisting rides there actually were, and the fact that they let me take Fynn on all the ones I tried. The only ones I could get pictures of were the merry-go-rounds.

Watching with enjoyment.

Just watching.

Fynn and one of his girlfriends. I left apparently a bit too soon, as she put one arm around him and kept the other on the wheel just after I walked away. I have my work cut out with this one ...

4th of July Weekend

2008-07-07T21:47:00.000-04:00

At the last minute, we decided to head to PA to the cousins for the weekend. Having a car makes such things possible :). I was in a mood to sleep, and did a lot of it, as did the golden-haired one.

Ash was a delight, and is posed in front of a fraction of the bugs he and his dad have caught and mounted from what's flying around the farm.

M, posing of course.

One of the also-visiting cousins, looking fierce. Or something like that.

I ended up getting sick while there, the first cold/cough in many months. Just as I'm starting my serious marathon training, very funny. I think the stress of the last few months caught up with me and I just crashed. Holding off on running for a few days. I had just discovered that I was way ahead of the game in terms of training and distance, at least in the schedule that I plan to follow, so I don't feel too badly for getting a break. I think I've been pushing a bit too hard for too long anyhow. Just hoping it's not too many days or it will be a lot harder to get going!

We went to a carnival while there, that's next ...

The Magic Glen

2008-07-03T17:46:00.005-04:00

Based on a tip from one of M's friends at the party the other day, we ventured off to a waterfall in the woods. The directions involved going "past the cemeteries, take a left on M-something street, go to the end of the road and through someone's side yard and you'll find a trail. Hike 20 minutes and you'll see a waterfall."

They turned out to be perfect directions, and the waterfall a magical little grotto place with mini pools, rocks to climb, freezing water, and slivers of sunlight. A most wonderful place to sit and eat Subway, splash, throw rocks, slip and slide and squeal, and spend a magic afternoon.

The rain held off till we were on our way home :).

Fynn turns 2!

2008-07-03T17:22:00.003-04:00

On our 2nd day here in MA, Fynn turned 2. In typical fashion, the celebration was last-minute, hectic, and thoroughly enjoyable. M had decided not to have Art Club that night (people over to paint together) as it would be too much on our 2nd night here. Instead we could just have a picnic in the park. He told his coworkers that we'd have a potluck, and then got cold feet that they might all come, and might not be bringing much to eat, so we ended up taking pasta salad, lasagne (made before we left NY thanks to Rose), cucumber salad, burgers, hotdogs, buns, and sangria to feed a crowd.

Lots of sides/munchies were brought, the kids painted (including a visitor from the playground we'd just met) and we had silly string, glow rings, and cupcakes. Fynn went home filthy, exhausted, and happy.

I loaded him in the car at the end of the night, and asked him if he'd had a happy day? He grunted a bit and cuddled with his new 'ackoe. When I came back to the car with another load of stuff, he was in there singing to himself "happy day, happy day, happy day ...".

Happy day indeed :). Thank God for 2 years with such an incredibly happy child.

We made it!

2008-06-30T19:37:00.001-04:00

Thanks to the superhuman efforts of R and lots of packing/sorting/last minute selling of computers and buying of mattresses ... we're here! Setup of all things electronic was flawless, now to keep small hands out of the overly accessible 'puter.

He turns 2 tomorrow! Picnic in the park is on the agenda after work, and perhaps some painting there too.

So glad to be out of the city. So glad!

ah well

2008-06-28T14:33:00.002-04:00

they didn't take fynn's picture, printer wasn't cooperating and fading ink meant it wasn't contrasty enough. gave up until we get to MA. can't imagine the lines there will be as long as here! hot, sticky, and getting things done slowly ... got the car picked up! have more packing/putting away to do, lasagne to make and freeze (how else will i use up a huge tub of ricotta and mozarella before we go?)

off to nap, up late talking with my dear cousin R and SO glad for her help this weekend! then more packing, and more packing ... it never does seem to end. trying to look at the house from the perspective of strangers, and wonder what will interest them and what they'll never notice or comment on. got a pseudo fix in the bathroom 'rotten' corner, should hold till we get back. never thought i'd be screwing old plastic cutting board into the crumbly drywall remnants, but it 'looks' ok! recaulked the tub for the 3rd time, hoping it's the charm? scrubbed w/bleach and blew a fan on it all night, hoping it was a moisture issue. either way it's all that will be done on it before we go. down to one computer/monitor to sell, and hope to have them gone by tomorrow. need to find a mattress still, though i suppose if we don't they'll survive the ancient one that D sleeps on now. it's pretty bad though.

off to nap ...

Fynn's Passport Picture

2008-06-25T23:28:00.000-04:00

thank God for Gladys, K, and S!

2008-06-24T23:52:00.003-04:00

Gladys would be the 19-year-old Buick Regal that we're renting from a friend of a friend for the summer, yay for a car!! Affordable, just, and a bit of a gas guzzler but we won't be driving all that much.

K and S would be the subletters that have agreed to take our place for two months, at a price almost covering expenses! That means we're rent free for 2 months, and I couldn't be happier. I'm waiting a bit tho as I don't have the deposit in hand yet, and have a feeling they'll be slowish in paying the rent, but I'm not too worried about it as we should be able to keep afloat till they do.

so very very relieved :)

and you thought this was about gladys knight? sorry :)

the magic window

2008-06-22T21:47:00.002-04:00

On the 28th floor of 1 West St, the light seem to be downright magic. Even a very very tired boy can look angelic :). The rest of the batch is over here.

cousins and 'graduation'

2008-06-20T19:03:00.000-04:00

Douglas and Fynn are loving having their cousins here, and orange seemed to be the color of the day. We all went to his 'grad' ceremony from kindergarten, where he was also named Student of the Month for June, a nice surprise :).

His teacher ended up in tears while talking about the class, she truly loves this bunch of kids I think.

They love her too ... this was their own idea, during the pizza party in the afternoon.

The great time with the kids (and can they dance, whew!) helped mitigate the fact that I discovered my error in ordering my computer ... meaning that a ship date of 7/22 actually means July, not June. Who knew?! I've often had a mental block as to which one is the 6th or 7th month, and in my hurry to order it I didn't get it right. I'm not looking forward to hauling my current PC up to MA, but I guess it does simplify my to-do list before I leave! That's not all bad.

talking to dad ...

2008-06-20T18:56:00.000-04:00

... and failing to confess his new tat. it's still there, as i didn't feel like scrubbing it with alcohol. sharpies go a long way :)

fynn's words

2008-06-18T21:22:00.005-04:00

rather than update you with all the things i'm checking off my lists, and all the new things that keep getting added and remembered (can you say NYC Dept of Ed is INSANE? I KNOW you can ...) I'll try to get down what fynn's language is up to. I never remember to put such things in baby books, and michael remembers it much better than i and he's not here to hear it!

Current words of note (there are far too many to count, everything gets repeated)

sheen! ... (machine, any thing powered that makes any noise, and can't be identified with a more specific word. always said with great emphasis.
ackoe! ... backhoe, one of douglas' early favorites also
VACUUM! ... still a favorite
lower ... blower, for the leaf blowing maintenance guys next door
shruln ... Shirlan, his babysitter
ocky ... clocky, the running alarm clock, which now causes him to scream in terror every time it goes off. tonight at supper he took his sippy cup, rolled it on it's side across the table, and gleefully declared it "ocky!"
douglas ... an improvement on 'uglass' which was his brother for several months.
HAVE IT ... used indiscriminately and with passion
cream ... ice cream ... you're getting the drift about now that shorter is better, and why bother with the first half of the word anyhow?
NaNow ... candy, ie Not Now, applies to all candy and cream, and most chips
ead ... dead, as in lego man lying down is dead.
Down! ... pick me up
peas ... please
bonk ... pretty much any injury

i'll possibly add more later, off to crash.

the running story

2008-06-14T21:46:00.006-04:00

i should know better than to promise stories, but days later here it is :). sans capitals as i'm tired of the keyboard ...

i've talked here and there about running on this blog, and keep another blog over here that somewhat chronicles my running history. i've wanted to run the NYC marathon since 2005, when i went and watched it being run just 4 blocks from my house. we live at mile 8.5 or so of the route, and i was feeling queasy that morning from my pregnancy with fynn and so stayed home from church and sat on the curb and watched. for hours. the queasiness was forgotten as i watched thousands upon thousands walk, roll, amble, shuffle, pound, trot, and wheeze by.

the runners came in every shape and size and ability, and the looks on their faces were quite the study. i saw the joy, determination, competition, steadiness, and sometimes frustration and defeat scroll across their faces. i wanted in. i felt a tremendous pull to get out there and join the ranks, pushing myself to complete something that daunting. i'd always loved running, but never had the discipline to do anything with it. (more on that here, i won't repeat myself)

fast forward to last week, after 17 months of running regularly, two marathon lottery denials, and the realization that if i don't run it this year, i probably never will (for lots of reasons that i won't go into, like moving thoughts and possibly more kids and things like that). i'd decided to run it for charity, which would get me guaranteed entry into this year's race, provided i raise (for the 'cheapest' charity) $2500. Daunting at best, rather terrifying actually, but i looked at it as the price for running on 'my schedule'.

i looked at the various charities offering entry, and thought i'd just go with the Team for Kids, which is the biggest, requires 'only' $2500, and has a great support team. They are the charity arm of the NYRR, and serve lots of nyc kids with running programs to help keep them inspired, healthy, and out of trouble. Great cause, but not something that particularly hit home to me. but i wanted in, so was prepared.

then my friend S (a big supporter of my running) started chatting w/me online, and when i mentioned the charity aspect, his response caught me off guard. "Why do you think God thinks you need to do that right now?" i answered that I thought i needed to do it, and yes God had put that hurdle in the way of my plans. and then did some thinking. and a bit more thinking.

running has been MY thing since i started it last january. my time alone, my goal, my enjoyment. i've been blessed with health and the ability to do it, and have acknowledged that to God and asked that he let it stay that way. i love getting lost in my thoughts, in the push and pull of 'how much further', and feeling the ebb of my energy be replaced with the exhilaration of finishing, furthering, and feeling the edges of my abilities. when i've felt beaten down and at the end of my rope in the last year, i've let God know that he could take it away if he wanted, but i really really hoped he wouldn't.

so after that question, i started looking at the charity partners list. i'd discounted the main 3 charities as ones i couldn't really relate to, and saw the 'hole in the wall gang' that i'd noticed before, a foundation offering free camps for sick and disabled kids, founded by paul newman. i liked the idea, and having supported Make a Wish in the past, it felt familiar. They require you to raise $3000, which was a bit more daunting but not so very different from $2500, at least in relative terms! then i looked again, and one of the most 'wimpy' looking logos, visually at least, was the World Vision one, which i missed first time through. i've been on their mailing list in the past, and found their mission to care for the basic humanitarian needs of kids worldwide to be something i connected too. food, water, shelter, the things so many millions don't have. things i take for granted. their requirements? just raise $5000 by november 1st, and pay your own late entry fee of $525.

i felt drawn to them strongly, but the $5k hurdle was just too daunting. so i applied for team 'hole in the wall gang' and was put on their waiting list, and told i'd probably be in by next week. scary, exciting, and intimidating! then i emailed another friend, telling her of the 5k vs 3k dilemma, and told her what i'd done. she replied immediately and positively telling me that despite the 'price' tag, world vision was what she thought fit the best, and that i'd be amazed by what god could do. i sat on pins and needles, and then realized something. what i think is the answer to the question about what God thinks.

the running isn't mine, it's god's. he's blessed it, enabled it, and enjoyed it along with me. but making it all mine? not cool. it's his. and raising 5k to help feed and shelter incredibly needy kids? also his. his kids, his money, his deal. and in my mind, it makes the whole running thing shift over if i do it for worldvision.

so i am. i applied, was accepted, took myself of the team hole in the wall waiting list, and started shaking. it means i'm signed up to run, a shake-worthy event after 2.5 years of hoping and 17 months of running and some inkling of what training i still have to do. it also means i have to raise $5525 dollars, or have it come out of my bank account in November, and that is equally shake-worthy. joy and terror at the same time, a feeling i'm a bit familiar with. it makes my running take on a new meaning, and adds a lot to my enjoyment. i did 12 miles this morning in the heat and sun, running from battery park up to 77th and back, while Opa watched my boys.

it felt great ... i'm on my way :). prayers certainly appreciated, and donation buttons will of course pop up once i get more info. i've got some other ideas on how to raise some of it, but will start with that for now. i'm SO looking forward to it!

Early morning, brothers

2008-06-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

All you need is lego, lego is all you need ...

They've been getting up much earlier than normal, thanks to the intrusion of a window fan into the room, rendering my dark curtains rather ineffective. It's not all bad, we've actually been 'early', meaning on time, to school twice already this week!

I still, however, haven't learned to go to bed any earlier. Somehow I suspect I never will, but we'll see.

Tomorrow, I promise a story of why I'm applying to run the marathon for a charity that requires me to raise twice as much money as the most popular one, in order to get guaranteed entry. It makes perfect sense to me :). But first some sleep.

i'm still here ... amended

2008-06-11T07:22:00.007-04:00

... and considerably less sticky than before. it's been so beastly hot that i haven't felt like blogging, though i HAVE been glued to my sticky computer. the consolidation binge has hit the technology level, and i've been working steadily on combining our two main computers so that we can get rid of both (and the 2 ancient ones) and get a laptop. i'm so tired of networking and maintaining and fixing and doing things that i don't really know how to do, but call friends and google like mad and all that. they're loud machines, at least in the 'come play with me!' sense and energy use and space use and all that.

(sorry i just realized this is going to be techie, so beware. i won't do it often!)

one old machine (non-working 8 yr old laptop that i think has a bad hd sector) is getting picked up by a friend this morning so she can see if her computer guy can fix it for her. one down!
m's machine, a 2-or-so-yr-old e-machine, has had all it's email (a LOT!) and contacts ported over to my HP, and put into Thunderbird, along-with-but-separate-from all my email/contacts, which have been moved into Thunderbird also. NO MORE OUTLOOK! I've been having compatibility issues with my Office 2003 and Vista, and can't afford to upgrade really, or more importantly don't want to. I'm tired of MS bloat and don't have the same compatibility needs as before. i only have one design client left, and they're pretty flexible. so I also dropped Office and moved to the free OpenOffice.org, and so far love it! I've played around in their impress, calc, and write programs, which are virtually identical to ppt, word, and excel. A few glitches, and a few this missing (like pivot tables in .xls which i used once, for our wedding list, and hated) that i don't think i'll miss. it's come a LONG way from when i first tried it a couple years ago.

the porting of m's email, from outlook express on WinXP, to Thunderbird on Vista, involved a dos-based utility that i managed to eventually figure out, run, workaround it's issues, and conquer! thankfully my brief forays into all things .dos came back to me, at least enough to navigate thru my folders and find the one i needed to work in. so relieved :)

so the upshot? with fear and trembling and a large amount of glee, i ordered a new, green, inspiron 1525 last night! dell had some deals, and i loaded it technically with ram and hd and all that, and stripped out the extras like Office and upgrades. I added a docking station so that for the most part I can use a real keyboard, monitor, mouse, and printer. But I'll finally, finally, be mobile! whee! this means a bit of financial wiggling, but it's feasable and not pushing things too much (provided we do get a subletter ... if we don't that's a whole other story, so far a couple leads ...).

the plan is to sell all 3 of our desktops, one of which is only 6 months old. i'm kicking myself mightily for not getting a laptop 6 months ago, when i was so generously offered help from 2 sources, but it felt unnecessary. with the move this summer, the unknown after that, and the number of times i've wanted to work away from the house, it seems like the best thing after all. I think realistically I can get half the cost of the laptop covered by selling them, on craigslist, before we move. the new machine has vista, as does this one (so i'm not totally microsoft free. love the idea of linux but too intimidate to make that change at this point) so the transfer of everything should be pretty easy. i still have to port michael's other files and a few programs over, and figure out his gmail, and wipe the old old desktop clean, but the harder stuff is done (i think :).

this is all thanks to m's steady job, his willingness to get rid of his computer, and i'm thanking God for both. that, and the cool night last night! the mini-storm wreaked some havoc, which i'll post a pic of later because if i do it now the boys will get no breakfast.

Amended to add ...

That umbrella used to be in the middle of the round table, and the fence is almost as high as that brick shed to the left. mary poppins indeed ...

2008-06-08T22:48:00.002-04:00

i ran a 10k yesterday morning, as the heat-wave was hitting. did my best time ever of 57 and change, not bad for 80+ degrees and climbing! learning more and more about staying aware of my body, and regulating my pace based on my hydration and heat levels. good info to tuck away for marathon time. realized too that i need to pick a charity to run for that i actually believe in, not just the easiest one. have to do some digging there.

in the quest to simplify things digitally, i spent much of today eliminating outlook, on my way to eliminating ms office altogether with openoffice instead. I can't afford the upgraded software anyhow, and we're consolidating all the computers down to one, so it seemed easier. i've got all but one of michael's accts working, as well as all mine, so that's pretty good progress.

douglas went to the yankee's opener today with a friend whose dad had free tickets, and i was told he was so intent on the game, and the thought of catching a fly ball, that he wouldn't leave his seat! he came home with a free bat thanks to it being kids day or some such thing, and entertaining descriptions of the hitter and thrower :).

it's pretty beastly hot, though with fans in every room and the house closed up it's not too bad. i get a bit claustrophobic though. it's a cool 75 at 11pm, and I'm beat.

field day!

2008-06-06T23:37:00.000-04:00

It was field day at PS20 today, and the kids had a ball. Egg/spoon races, sack races, tug o war, and ... of course ...

Face painting! I was roped into painting, and Fynn insisted on being first in line, and then trying to assist. I'd never even tried doing it before, but quickly discovered that cats and butterflies were easy and crowd pleasers, so I started doing them assembly-line-style and the kids loved it. The girls got into the paint later, and went to town adding to Fynn's painting, and he came home with it in his hair, clothes, etc. Douglas asked to paint me, and I obliged. It's a symmetrical butterfly :). I proudly wore it home, much to the amusement of all I passed. Fynn and I had to leave early as I had a client.

A great morning :)

i have this bad habit ...

2008-06-05T22:44:00.002-04:00

I thrive on accomplishment. Finishing things. Been down this road before .... and I don't seem to get it. When I have things that start to go 'wrong' (ie not the way I planned or expected), instead of backing off, I not only go full steam ahead into trying to solve them, I add other things to the mix in the hopes that at least one of them will get done! Witness today, the 'red letter day' which quickly fell apart. The laptop turned out to have (i believe) a bad sector in the HD, which I managed to wipe and start a clean install of the OS, but have hit snags 3x now which I suspect is as far as I'm going to get. Why I even touched that thing today, with a web project, a paying design client issue, a playdate, mountains of laundry, and an untouched newsletter I don't know.

When it started going wrong ... I added potty training Fynn into the day, as well as answering some emails, surfing for new laptops, sending out more subletting ads, cutting up snacks and mediating disputes, speed-tidying the house to take pics to send to interested subletters, and ... you get the idea. The computer and the potty training should have been left far behind, but no.

Fynn is ready, it's true ... and did manage to pee in the pot twice before he had 3 accidents (and i'm still wondering where the poop is, though it's possible that what was smeared on his ankle and butt was truly all that there was ... here's hoping!). I'm pretty thankful for hardwood floors at this point.

The thing that capped it off was finding out that I didn't get into the marathon by the lottery system, and if I want to run this year I'll have to do it for charity, and raise $2500. I don't think I can keep up the training for another year, don't even know where we'll be living a year from now, and so will very likely be doing the dreaded 'ask for donations' thing in the very near future. I hate doing so, but if I'm to run that's the only way that I can see.

red letter day

2008-06-05T13:06:00.000-04:00

The pics have nothing to do with the day, I just liked them. There are 4 yellow roses in our backyard, all that's blooming from the giant tangled mass of ancient rose bushes that climb along the top of the neighbor's fence. I love the look of them from below.

Red letter day because ...

I got the first bite on a subletter for this place ...
Fynn peed in the toilet twice ...
The old laptop that I thought was dead booted up ...
I found the old XP CD that I thought was lost ...
I'm in the process of reinstalling said OS on said ancient laptop ...
I found a CD of images missing for months, and belonging to a friend ...

Can you see the trend here?? :)

Now off to make phone calls while fynn is napping and douglas is play-dating down the street ... before he and his playdate come here for the remainder of the afternoon, and the house erupts again ...

I'm back!

2008-06-04T14:39:00.002-04:00

Back from being barred from blog-land that is, thanks to an explosion in a datacenter in TX. I didn't miss the 4 days of spam, that's for sure, but I didn't like being barred from my own blog! Alas the posts I wrote in my head are still there, and fading. We'll see if I can squeeze one out tonight. Michael's gone again, he left Monday and probably won't be back until September! That leaves me with 3 weeks to finish up some small repairs here, find a subletter, farm out the cat and plants, suspend memberships and forward mail, pack away dressers and surface stuff, wrap up clients, finish 2 websites, sell 4 computers and buy a laptop, clean off/up said computers before selling, attend several field trips/grad ceremonies, etc .... you get the drift that I'm feeling rather overwhelmed and needing 8 arms.

a pretty magical night

2008-05-30T08:58:00.004-04:00

this morning started off with a bang with fynn getting orange juice poured in his hair, and then tripping and falling backwards into to cat's water dish, rendering his as-yet-unchanged soggy diaper even more soggy. a banner moment. so i choose to regress ..

michael got home wednesday night, a day earlier than he'd originally thought :) most lovely. that meant we could go to a free concert last night in Battery Park, where his favorite banjo player Bela Fleck was part of the Sparrow Quartet that was performing. we had to go at 5pm to stand in line for tickets, the doors opened at 6 (it was inside Castle Clinton)", and the show started at 7. a lot of waiting around with kids! we got our tickets and i hit the store for sandwiches while m trucked the boys to the playground. we headed into the venue just after 6, got a row of seats near the back (and in the shade!) to ourselves. near enough to the back to make a quick exit if needed. fynn was eating one of those candy necklaces, and happy as a clam. douglas was getting taught how to write cursive (at his request).

by the time the show started they were both tired, and the opening group was not very kid friendly at all, and they got more antsy as time went on. toys, paper helicopters, flirting with the neighbors, and playing "drop the toy" were reaching the limit of their effectiveness when my FIL called (he lives across the street) and came in and found us. at the break, he took the boys for a walk, one on a sugar high, and both tired as it was already past their bedtime.

then the bliss of listening without ansty whiny kids! the venue was amazingly sound-proof for an open-air place, meaning the sounds were pure and clean with NO ambient noise, despite the view of skyscrapers over the slate shingle roof, and the staten island ferry just a few hundred yards away. it felt like being in a fishbowl or on a movie set, not quite real. utterly clear sky, fading light, and a few pigeons swooping in the dusk.

the boys came back in time to hear the last 3 or 4 songs, and were tired and raptly attentive. fynn was on my lap, and immediately insisted that he SEE, so i propped him up enough to see the stage. he hardly let out a peep. except for the cackles of laughter near the end as he turned around again to play drop-the-pillow with an unsuspecting man behind us who felt compelled to play along.

the playing was amazing, not just bela's banjo, but Casey Driessen's fiddle especially was incredible on this song (Click on Working on a Building). delightful.

the lingering enjoyment made this morning's OJ/cat dish incident not quite the drama it might have tended to be otherwise :)

The weekend so far

2008-05-25T19:11:00.001-04:00

Becky came to visit on Friday, and stayed till early this morning. Short and sweet is best, and worked really well. We kept busy, I got in a long run while she watched the boys, and things were relatively quiet. A good thing :). I enjoyed the visit though it's never a relaxed affair, and we had some 'girl time' after the boys were in bed that included a horrible movie (Beowulf, do NOT bother!), popcorn, and more talking.

She was off to the bus this morning, thanks to my FIL, and I crept back to bed for a few more winks. We made it to the flea mkt later and scored some dirt cheap old kid-sized gardening tools, and took them to the park to try them out. It got so warm we all overheated (not just Fynn in his sweats) and came home to a long nap for 2 of us at least. Mister bookworm read for 2 hours I think.

Then a snack in the window while I pondered what to do, as the informal get-together this afternoon for a friend of D's never happened, and I had a big bowl of ceviche going begging as a result. We took it to the back yard, played in the sandbox and with squirt guns till it got cool, and came in so the non-ceviche lovers could supplement their supper with leftovers.

They were both antsy as soon as it was time for lights out, and Fynn dove for D's bed instead of his crib. I took him up on it, threw a pillow next to him, booted D to the top bunk (he loves to) and am hoping for the best! It's about time, and I'd love to get the crib out of that room so there's more space.

I love to make things

2008-05-23T12:53:00.004-04:00

I love projects. Making them up, figuring out how to craft them, and then getting my hands dirty, desk messy, and mind lost in the process. I've been a part of OMSH's Color Me Happy Swaparooni group for a year now, and it's been a great way to get myself back in project mode. (Yes, back into, that means I've been out of it and I'm getting to that ...) You get partnered with a swap buddy, given a theme (like organizational stuff, blue/green summer stuff, tote bags, pink and brown, etc) and you have 3 weeks or so to find/make something(s) for your partner within that category. You trade likes/dislikes, blog urls, and whatever else will help the other person figure out what you might like.

The theme this month was organization, and my swap buddy and I realized quickly that we're a LOT alike, and so it was a piece of cake this time! We both made things we'd like ourselves, and gave them to the other. We both had rafts of unorganized recipes from the internet, and so went to town. And maybe overboard? I think I made her enough binders to house 5oo recipes so she should be good for awhile :). But I liked the binders, had (and took) lots of pictures to use, and love cutting things out, double stick tape, and spray glue. We're talking industrial double stick tape, I scored a roll of the kind used to stick fabric to metal cube walls back in my cubicled days, and am still using it up.

She made a recipe binder for me too, and included pre-made tabs, some of her favorite tried-and-true recipes, CHOCOLATE!, and a fun magnetic to-do-to-buy list for the fridge.

As I sat on the steps this morning, eating cheese nips with Fynn after grocery shopping, I realized something. I don't want to work anymore. Work as in ... find clients, feel stressed about clients, write notes for and schedule clients, and hunt for babysitters in order to talk to said clients. I wrote a bit ago about not being in love with coaching anymore (buried in this post) and that thought has been simmering. I thoroughly enjoy coaching when I actually DO it, and love it when the client accomplishes something new and exciting and big for them. I get bored if their goals aren't exciting to me in some way, and that gets hard. And the business end of things? For the birds. But there aren't enough 'finishes' involved to make me thrilled, especially when it comes to me personally.

I LOVE building things. Starting things. Finishing things that can be finished. But keeping them going? Not so much. Only in the fellowship and community sense. I loved doing the race last fall, as stressful as it was. I loved building the SaneMoms website. I love building other people's websites. I don't really like maintaining them. Tweaking them. Keeping them running, motivated, and humming along.

I loved living in and working on my own house for seven years. Building patios, painting, gardening, wiring and planning and sanding and cutting and all those dusty and satisfying things. I could have worked harder, and yes my enthusiasm flagged after awhile and Dad kept me going and held his tongue (he was the brains and most of the financing behind the project) but it was still incredibly fun. And during the process? I had a place where people could come, hang out, do whatever, talk, eat, socialize, sing, play games, swing in the hammock, learn to took, learn to drive, have snowball fights and water fights, throw a frisbee, wield a hammer or a paintbrush, and just plain BE. I had an open door, virtually 24/7, and it was a wonderful thing.

I miss that. The work, the open door, the project, and the fellowship. Building things, tangible and living both. I have a lot of fellowship built in now, with my family, but it's not the same kind, and something is missing. I need to have a place I can paint, dig, rebuild, change, mess up, rebuild again, and someday live in. My kids need it too, something besides a beautiful and expensive brownstone that isn't ours. My hobbit house might be a ways away, but I can start small. I have a mini library of house-building-sustainable-living books, and the knowledge that I need to work with my hands more. Making THINGS. Things people can love, use, eat, enjoy, handle, and find comfort in. I need to reassess my coaching and sanemoms both, and figure out how they fit it, and what's best. I'm tired of feeling the friction between working on them, and spending time with my kids. One fights the other, and they both need me still. Need my real attention, energy, and focus. D loves projects himself, we just need to find shared or compatible ones. F loves wrecking them, watching, imitating, and laughing. Making the music. Finding the pieces. Putting away.

It's time to build. God help me with the plans. Please.

i feel like a cat

2008-05-22T20:22:00.003-04:00

in lieu of talking about my current mental stew, the subject of hair comes to mind. my hair, in the spring, reminds me of a cat. my scalp gets dry, my hair oily no matter how much i wash it, and it seems to fall out in chunks. i'm tired of fishing it out of combs, off shirts, the shower drain, and off the counter or out of bowls when i cook. ugh. i swear i should wear a hair net, and could weave a nice white blanket (for the cat a least) from all the grey/white hairs i've found. it feels a bit like I'm shedding my winter coat, and i sure would enjoy curling up on a sunny windowsill and just staring at the birds for awhile.

i gave D a haircut a couple days ago, and he hurriedly ran around collecting chunks of it from the floor before I vacuumed, and put it in a jar. why he's saving it i haven't asked, and am not sure i want to. perhaps because his father collects every bit of cat hair he combs out of dominic and puts it in a jar? likely connection. i've asked why on that one too, and have no satisfactory answer.

fynn is the only haircut-less one in the house, and though D got his first cut just before his second birthday, and fynn is practically eating his bangs, i'm not ready to chop his yet. i haven't gotten enough pics in his flickr hair group yet. or something.

Happy Birthday Mom :)

2008-05-21T23:55:00.005-04:00

I've been meaning to scan this for ages, and decided tonight was the night. I think it's a stunning photo, and as close to a birthday shot as I've seen. Happy Birthday Mom!

Question

2008-05-20T13:55:00.002-04:00

Does cottage cheese, Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip ice cream, and kumquats make a balance meal? Not sure if I care about the answer, but thought I'd ask.

I enjoyed lunch :).

wheeeeeee ...

2008-05-19T16:00:00.001-04:00

You have been entered into the lottery for the
2008 ING New York City Marathon!

Entry #296254

in a twist

2008-05-18T14:05:00.003-04:00

not sure what's up, but i got all bent out of shape last night. a phone call to a friend here in the 'hood made me realize that running this week will be a huge challenge (she's not free at all, though we made cramped plans for her to drop off her jogging stroller for me to use) and I'm still hunting for a sitter for tomorrow. i have one more friend to try, and am waiting on another to respond. i could reschedule the client for a phone call later in the day, but hope not to if I can avoid it. going full tilt back into the 'real world' is a bit of a shock.

we did some flea-mkt-therapy this morning, and the boys got new-generation collapsible cups to play with while I netted a huge leather shoulder bag/purse thing that was bought in Rio, and could easily carry a one-year-old if I put it over my shoulder like a sling. why i gave in, i don't know, just silly impulse and it was cheap and nice leather. we'll see.

i feel like i'm losing all my running momentum and i hate that feeling, but can't do much about it at the moment. treadmill running at the gym is ok as a partial substitute, but really doesn't do the same thing at ALL as running free outside, at least for me.

i think the unknown is still a big part of it all. subletting during the summer, how to get around while we're there, surviving the next 7 weeks, entertaining b next weekend (not your typical houseguest), keeping the kids entertained, finding a sitter, just a pile of things I find hard when I'm not getting much downtime.

i had dreams last night in which i was in a house i didn't recognize with my parents and someone else i'm not sure who, and i got so frustrated i ran out of the house, slammed the door, ran into a field and started screaming. they eventually came out looking for me (i think my brother did?) and i ignored them till i was somewhat composed again, and then came back towards the house. i woke up feeling a bit relieved for the screaming, but not any closer to figuring things out.

they're gone ...

2008-05-17T16:00:00.003-04:00

... and missed already. it was heaven to have M plus 4 for a week. Alex and Fynn got along wonderfully, as far as a 9 month old and 22 month old can. Fynn alternated between taking away toys that were either his or deemed to dangerous for Alex, and bringing him things to play with.

We hit Nintendo World (Wiiiiiii!) and Rockefeller Plaza and R and R's for dinner. Lots of park trips, Wii exercise, and reading. So glad they all like reading!

Hetcher Playground in Central Park is awesome, even without the water fountains being on. Alex got his first dose of sand, and took surprisingly long to put the first handful in his mouth :)

I managed to get the boys to cooperate barely long enough to pose for this, it's a really cool spider web climbing structure.

Since they left this morning we've hit the farmer's market, artisan's market, stoop sales, karate class, and a birthday party, and I'm pooped. the weather is beyond gorgeous, a most perfect spring day, and I'm going to nap while I can. Leftovers for supper and an early bed for all!

As much as I love visitors, there's something about family that adds the icing on the cake. Maybe I'm just so able to be myself that I feel utterly relaxed, and can talk about anything because chances are they remember it too. They're the coolest bunch ever. Love you M :).

it's good to have company ...

2008-05-13T16:25:00.000-04:00

... and sunny days to go to the park!

and boys who nap, and other boys who read avidly while mom naps ....

180's

2008-05-11T10:48:00.002-04:00

Both my mood and her plans have done a 180, and boy am I relieved! Without going into all the details, they ARE coming, tonight, in their car instead of the minivan :). Her husband drove out last night to give it to them, and is towing the van back home behind a rental truck, to repair it when they can. YAY! I'm doubly relieved as I had a long and healthy conversation with M last night, one that's been brewing for awhile, and then made a serious enough dent in a bottle of wine while watching Pretty Woman (for the 43rd time) that I was somewhat hung over this morning. The relief from both of those things was tremendous, and I felt 500% better this morning heart-wise! Then the call from my sis saying they were coming was the icing on the cake, and I personally have no regrets about the delay though I never would have wished it that way.

My sitter is probably reeling from the "don't come next week as my sister will be here .... wait, no, you DO need to come as she's NOT coming after all .... ooops, no, now she IS coming so once again I don't need you" series of phone calls and messages.

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!

I'm off to clean and grocery shop :)

disappointed, and stuff ...

2008-05-10T16:01:00.002-04:00

i guess i'll start with the disappointment washing over the house. my sister, en route here with her 4 boys for a week of fun and distraction and fellowship, called to say their transmission just blew in Wheeling, WV, and the repairs will take too long and be too expensive to finish the trip here. disappointed is a mild word. i've no doubts god is allowing it but the reason totally escapes me of course. it bites. (thankfully a call to the sitter i've been using, and had given the week off due to the company, resulted in "sure I'm free" and so I'm covered again for my clients.)

i was already a mess today after a phone call last night that got me thinking about relationship stuff that i don't feel free to blog about really. sorry. just stuff about what it is and isn't and how it functions. i hide stress pretty well, but not as well as i used too, and while i thrive on it in certain amounts, going overboard makes me crazy. i'm usually all right so long as i get chances to be alone or run or vent once in awhile, but they're few and far between lately, and the added responsibilities take a real toll. then a phone call that makes me think about stuff i have 'stuffed' and i end up a mess. i know that not being able to run outdoors (and briefly indoors) for this last week isn't helping, and neither is pms, but there it is.

why is it ...

2008-05-07T15:02:00.003-04:00

... that when I sit at the computer with my chin in my hand, and feel a zit or two, it prompts me to go immediately and eat yet another piece of chocolate, which I know prompted the zits in the first place?

A great day!

2008-05-03T19:44:00.004-04:00

I did it! My first half marathon today, and I enjoyed it to the hilt. P came to watch the boys, and arrived last night as I had to leave early. My ankle was bothering me again so i massaged it a lot, stretched, etc last night. I woke up a 1am from a sound sleep due to severe pain in my ankle, and was too tired to really worry about it. I massaged some oils into it to increase the blood flow and then went back to sleep. I was up at 6, ate, showered, worried, wrapped, dressed, double checked, packed, and left to walk ways to the train. Ended up having to take a shuttle train as the one I needed didn't go all the way, but made it in plenty of time along with tons of other runners. It started on the Coney Island boardwalk and the start was smoother and faster than in previous races. Partly as I discovered later because there were only about 5400 runners.

The first 3 miles were up/down the boardwalk, which is quite uneven, has some sand piles, and a great view of the ocean and all the kitch that is the boardwalk like Nathan's Famous hot dogs, the NY Aquarium, and Deno's Wonder Wheel. The coolest part of that first stretch was the turnaround at the end, meaning you got to see everyone running ahead of you and behind you, which I loved. Aside from my nervousness before the race about getting the right combo of clothes (it was damp 50's with possible rain) I felt great. By the time the race started I knew I'd be fine and not too cold or hot.

I had no trouble finding my own pace/groove as there was loads of room, especially on the 2nd stretch of 6 miles up Ocean Parkway. A few people here/there cheering, lots of shabbat-service bound jews who had to dodge across the runners, and lots of trios of power-walking-italian-american-moms out chatting up a storm. It all seemed almost too easy, and by the time I hit the halfway point and felt great I knew all was good. Once into Prospect Park I picked up the pace as I run that route several times a week and know it like the back of my hand. I burned a wee bit too much energy and slowed a little for mile 11, but was back on track to the finish. Except for the 3 minute pit-stop (there were lines!) as I still can't seem to get thru anything but a short race without stopping. Blame it on having babies, nerves, tofu the day before, whatever ... I still had to stop.

My final time was 2:07 and change (my watch doesn't exactly match the official clock but is within seconds) and while I'd dreamed of making it in 2 even, I knew that was a dream and not really possible if I didn't kick up the pace the entire time. I resolved to enjoy it immensely, which I did, and to give it all I had in the last 4 miles, which I also did.

I came home on a runner's high of course, showered and nibbled a bit and drank a ton, backpacked Fynn while D and P and I went to the farmer's market, then home to put a shrieking Fynn to bed. Chatted with P till late afternoon, went out with the boys for pizza and a messy gyro, then carried a screaming Fynn home (he wanted to ride on my shoulders, I said no as I'm super tired/sore and P had given me a massage before she left) and let him lie on my bed and scream for another 30 minutes before he calmed down and said please could he get down. I think he's hit the 'terrible' 2's as that was an extended repeat of yesterday morning. I SO don't relish this stage, and today wasn't the day to be too demanding of mom. I'm afraid bedtime was a rapid affair, and none too soon for me.

I go to soak in the tub, hopefully not fall asleep in said tub, and then sleep soundly for many many hours.

The Berkshires

2008-05-01T20:28:00.007-04:00

At last, I'm back in the saddle and buckled down at my computer. M left this morning, and while I'd blog surfed a bit I was more focused on spending time with him. It was harder to say goodbye this time than last, as I know know what it will be like more or less, and it's a week longer this time. We'll survive, I know that too, but I still don't look forward to it much. Thankfully, they got the phone put in while he was away!!! So I can call him, tho he doesn't have long distance. Makes a big difference knowing I can reach him.

So, the week up there ... as someone predicted, it was good and hard both. It was a reasonably easy trip up, though following back roads directions in the pitch dark with finally-sleeping-boys (we got away at 6pm on Saturday) was a trip until I realized I could use my cell phone to illuminate the directions. The car had no front-seat light and trying to drive, read, and shield the backseat light from the boys' faces wasn't the safest route. I couldn't figure out which was his building when we got there, gave up and parked in frustration after circling several apts with a crying/whining back seat, but he walked out just as I started to get out of the car and we'd managed to park in the right spot anyhow.

Walking in to his apartment was a bit of a jolt, just in it being so 'his' and not ours. Not the same as a hotel room, it felt more like his home, which it is for now, and that hurt. Of course my penchant for fully 'moving in' no matter where I'm staying meant I went to town moving a couple things around so I had a place for clothes, etc, and M watched with amusement. I felt a bit like a cat marking territory to be honest, but didn't much care. The building is well over 100 years old but totally nondescript inside except for a few scary closets (and there are LOTS of closets and cubbies everywhere). Drop-ceiling, doors that don't fit, bare bulbs (tho i think M removed the covers as he likes the brightest light possible) and beds, a couple chairs, a formica kitchen table, and linoleum. Lots of space and the feeling you could do anything in it, which was nice. There was a little front porch overlooking the street, river (which is concrete-channeled thru town) and MASS MoCA. He can leave 10 min before he has to be at work and be on time.

The area is really depressed economically, since the factory shut down in 98. One in three businesses is operating again thanks to the museum, but it's still pretty depressing, and overall the view of most seems to be "small town is small town, and I have no thoughts that go beyond the edge of town unless they come from my TV". Harsh maybe, overgeneralized for sure, but the feel of the kids in the playground was that they weren't ever taught to dream.

More to come, I'm crashing hard after an emotional week, and a long call with other parents who are considering sending their kids to NEST next year, a "Gifted and Talented" only school in Manhattan. There are 3 citywide, and all in Manhattan of course. I'm surprised I'm even considering it, but the fact that D is eligible is entirely an accident, and so I'm going with the option for now and will see what happens. I didn't know I didn't have to reapply to his current G&T class this year, and so he ended up getting tested, they've changed all the rules this year on how that works, and he's eligible if there's a spot free for him. If he gets in then I'll worry about getting him there by 8:20 every morning!

we're home ...

2008-04-28T10:41:00.001-04:00

I'll come back to add captions later, and tell you about the week. it was good, hard, enjoyable, and thought-provoking. I'm ambivalent about being home, and off to a client ...

My run the day after we got there ... a personal best so far! It included 4 miles of hills, 2 pit-stops to beg water at a hotel bar and a dunkin donuts, and lots of new sights.

Fynn at breakfast, I love this one.

The living room and 'studio' part of his apartment, with us already moved in.

Fynn watching for Dad, a favorite past-time. In order to get any privacy at all, he had to tack fabric and pillow cases up over the windows.

almost off and running ...

2008-04-19T14:01:00.003-04:00

still have to pack, change cat litter, pack food, shower, feed kids, and a few other things in the next 2.5 hours. b arrived in great time, took care of fynn while D and I went to his last karate class, and will be taking stellar care of house and feline while we're gone. yay for housesitters!

one note from karate today ... D us usually paired with a little boy named Stone who's not the most aggressive kid in the bunch, and usually has even more trouble concentrating than D. His brain seems permanently on 'wander'. So they were fighting each other today, using the kicks and punches they've learned. They're supposed to assume fighting stance with hands up to protect their faces. D punched enthusiastically and rapidly, danced from one foot to the other while forgetting to kick, and Stone stood there looking dazed. The sensei repeatedly reminded Stone to "get your hands up!" which always resulted in him assuming the position of hands straight up in the air, rather than fisted and protecting his face. It was amusing and eerie at the same time. Fortunately D didn't see the humorous aspect of it and I hid my snicker. He's an incredibly gentle kid, and I don't know if he's in class in an attempt to find discipline and focus or not. It does seem to be helping D with that, and I'm going to sign him up for another session I think.

Off to pack, and will be unreachable for the next 8 days unless M's phone gets turned on, so happy spring break!!

moving right along ...

2008-04-17T16:18:00.003-04:00

I've been getting more interest in my coaching as my interest in finding clients fades a bit, which is rather funny. Then my 2 most recent clients? (Well, one is a potential client ...) One has a mom who runs a biodynamic farm in Virginia, and she grew up there. The other is a 'green' architect. God certainly does seem to be bringing me people who know things related to what I'm interested in these days .... funny how that works :).

Contrasts

2008-04-15T21:35:00.002-04:00

We went to the park today after school. We'd arranged a playdate as J's mom had stuff to do, and both boys were thrilled. Rather than corral them in the little park next to school, chasing Fynn every 2 seconds, we went to the big park down the street (FG) and hung out next to the big rock. It took half an hour of playing with sticks, stones, bark, etc (all great fun) before the high school kids left the rock long enough for the boys to take over. It's about 7 feet tall but climbable, which they finally did to their heart's content. Dropping stale popcorn bits over the side, sliding down, feeling big and important and a bit scared ... all good.

It was a much better day than yesterday, where everything that could go wrong seemingly did. I won't gripe, but it rather sucked. We all, however had very good sleep and things seemed so much better today. Perhaps that was the main reason, but I caught trains just barely today, made D's poetry assembly for just long enough to see him perform and then make it to class. Relaxed at class as no one showed up :) and then off to Salvation Army for an armload of spring clothes for under $20. I love thrift stores in the city. Honestly, where else can I come home with an Oscar de la Renta silk skirt for $8? Of course the lack of fitting rooms made me take a chance on it, only to find that my thighs, YES, my thighs are just barely too big for it. Not my waist or hips. I think I can genuinely say this is a byproduct of running, never having had that problem ever before.

The one highlight of yesterday? Finding a nanny! Whee. She came over, loved the kids, seemed laid back, responsible, fun, direct, and she has a son just a few months older than Douglas. She starts right after spring break, which is next week ... and I can't wait. The plan is still to go to MA to see M, but haven't figured out the car/transportation issue yet, waiting on word from friends as to car status. My friend B called today, asking when it would be good to come for a week to get away for a bit ... and she's coming the exact days we're gone ... yay for Dominic and apartment sitting! Won't get to see her much :( but she'll get the time she needs, and we get a loved-on cat and happy apartment when we get home. Yay for that.

The link I posted yesterday to what's becoming called the Hobbit home? Haven't stopped thinking about it. Sent photos by mail to M with a request that we build one, will see how he responds. The sudden connection I made to it was rather overwhelming. Been questioning today how much am I passionate, and about what? Been feeling the lack of passion for coaching, even as business picks up. I love it when I do it, definitely, but don't miss it when I don't. I miss working with my hands, touching dirt, building something bigger than I can do myself, and more that I can't articulate yet.

So, in the absence of thoughts, a few more pics from today.

Watching popcorn roll, wearing his medal from the Run for the Moms last year.

He's almost always laughing ...

Another tulip tree on the way from school to home ... finally remembered my camera.

More pics here ...

aches

2008-04-13T22:07:00.002-04:00

two aches tonight, both fairly simple.

one is all over my body, from forcing myself to run 10 miles this afternoon, despite the 4 miles the day before, way too much cheese in my system, stuck and not processing well, and it being entire the wrong time of the month for gut pains in the first place. every step agony, well, almost every. but i forced it. i WILL be sore tomorrow!

the other, entirely different ache, in the form of drool/desire/connection with this. it appeals to every fiber of my being at the moment. this very moment. and makes such perfect sense to me. oh the possibilities ...

spring fevers

2008-04-10T21:24:00.001-04:00

the shooters, originally uploaded by herm007.

it's been a crazy day. days. week. month. life? that's another story. the weather today was suddenly summer. early summer, gorgeous, 70's, flip flops and t-shirts and dollar-store squirt guns. D had a playdate already scheduled, so we made the most of it outdoors. I filled water guns, doled out snacks, dodged water streams, and trimmed and trained huge draping rose-bushes in between. a perfect afternoon. the playdates mom called to say she'd be there in 20, and I knew they had a baseball practice to go to. i didn't check my phone, but after 30 minutes or so i started herding the boys to the gate to get D's friend ready to be picked up. his mom arrived in a panic, her other 2 kids in tow, and when i said i'd run in to get his things she snapped back that couldn't i just keep it till tomorrow? i assured her i could, she wouldn't let him take the squirt gun i said he could have (not appropriate for practice?), so he left in tears. i discovered 2 missed calls from her when i got inside, so apparently didn't hear my phone? hence the frustration that he wasn't ready to go. it's just a tiny thing, but i felt badly. felt like strike 3 and you're out, as there have been a couple small things like that in the last few months and i've felt the friendship that was growing between she/i start to fade. not things i feel guilty about, but things that are reasons (i believe) for her to back off.

i think a lot of is just that i'm feeling fragile. adjusting, but fragile. discovered yesterday that D gets out of school on june 26th!!! i thought it was early june. that means another whole month of solo (3 total) before we can move up there for a whole 6 weeks. we're going up for spring break week after next, which is good, but feels like not enough. his schedule is now 4 weeks on/5 days off, and still no phone. i want to cut loose and enjoy spring and running and all, and i do, but then lose it like I'm hormonal and pregnant, which i'm NOT.

i have lots of other thoughts but can't articulate them. not yet anyhow.

was asked today if my running was running away from something, as it seemed that way. i replied, honestly, that it started out that way (running away from responsibility for an hour at a time) but had grown into something i loved for it's own sake. and i do ... the longer the distances, the more i get into it, and crave it. eyeing my next pair of running shoes on ebay, a barely-used (10 miles) pair of the kind I like, at less than half of retail. as they retail for 120, it makes a difference, and I'm way overdue for a pair and can feel the lack of cushioning. 3 weeks till my half marathon! i am psyched for that, but no idea yet who can watch the kids. i'll need half a day of coverage, and my running buddy S, who's been a huge help, i'm afraid of maxing out her kindness. she keeps picking me up, taking me to the park or gym, loaning me her fab jogging stroller, and babysitting so i can run solo. we inspire each other which is perfect but she's doing a lot more babysitting than i am. such is life i guess. the friendship is going deeper as the running lengthens, and it's very good. so one good relationship developing at least :).

spring fevers. hot and cold and not always lucid. that's me.

i detest hunting for childcare ...

2008-04-07T22:35:00.002-04:00

I thought we were done with this for awhile, but apparently not ... the sitter I found just last month, who was perfect in every way, just told me today, very apologetically, that her freelance work is starting up again unexpectedly, so she can't keep watching fynn. i do trust that something will work out, but it was rather demoralizing as that's my only link to taking clients and getting anything done at the moment! i started putting messages out right away, will see what comes of it.

in other news, M should have a phone by wednesday! yay for communication.

my first demo class for group coaching (spring session) is tomorrow, but I have no expectations as I did only one email to a bunch of listservs late last week. i hope to do more this week, and put some notices up, and see what happens. it forced me to put some materials together anyhow!

adjusting

2008-04-06T14:49:00.002-04:00

it's been a hard week. yesterday was the worst i think, hitting the 5 day mark and a solo weekend day without schedule. we missed him more then. friday night was great, with D and i staying up late to play scrabble while fynn went to bed at the usual time. we put it aside around 9, and finished it saturday during fynn's nap. it's amazing to me to have a child old enough to sit down and play scrabble with! he did amazingly well for a barely 6-year-old, and caught on quickly. i pitched in and helped some, but he had a word almost every turn, and got creative in how he put them on the board. the silly factor increased as we went on, with crazy words and suggestions :). a lot of fun.

i discovered that the Y has babysitting on saturdays also, so fynn got to go to the playroom while d was in karate class, and i had an hour to spend writing/thinking/on the phone. too short a time to change/workout, it just gets annoying. i called my friend T in michigan, who i haven't talked to in ages upon ages. had to, as her cat featured prominently in my dream the night before. very strange.

i was walking down a windey road into a valley, and found my friends M and E&M living in trailers near each other in the middle of the grassy valley. talked to M, waved to E&M, and walked back up the road, using my cell-phone for light, it was super dark by then. met my mom/dad in a minivan, driving around looking for T's old white cat named Lily, which they'd lost (she has cats, but none named lily in real life). i was bothered that they'd lost her, and helped look. they gave up and started home. i stopped outside a little cafe/roadhouse at the top of the hill, and saw a white cat's tail, severed, stuck to the ground by itself. i was horrified, realized it was Lily's. Then I saw her, by the cafe door, wolfing down food that the owners had put out in case she showed up. I grabbed her, holding her tight so I could take her back to T. Her tail was of course missing, but the spot looked healed and not the least painful. all very strange.

so I called T, told her about it, and had a great chat :)

i felt pretty lonely saturday, and was gearing up to watch a movie after the boys were in bed when S, my old roommate called, and wanted to come hang out. yay for adult company!! wine and cheese and pistachio ice cream along with real conversation and estrogen and all that :). i dragged myself to bed at 1am, knowing i had to get up at 7, wake the boys and haul them to my friends house so she and i could go on a long run before her husband had to go to work. that we did, and 9 miles later I felt wonderful. i love both the running, and the after-effects. home to more time with S who had crashed on the couch, and life feels livable again if not perfect. hoping Fynn wakes up in time to hit the new flea market down the street.

playground disturbances

2008-04-02T22:35:00.003-04:00

it was gorgeous today after school, and as i'd just finished a run before pickup and was feeling good, we went to the park after school. D's usual buddy wasn't there, so he hooked up with another classmate he doesn't often hang out with, and i sat in the sun with the other kid's mom and chatted. she's 2 days overdue w/number 2, and we caught up a bit.

at one point i went off to chase Fynn who was having a ball, and saw/heard a growing murmur of kids off to my right. I looked over and saw about a dozen middle school kids (10 or 11 years old perhaps?) circling two boys wrestling on the ground. i heard angry words and racial slurs, though the fighting wasn't violent but almost slow motion. i saw one other mom watching, and waited to see what would happen. i didn't like it, but didn't see anyone getting physically hurt and so hesitated to step in. after some kicking and louder murmuring, i threw a 'hey guys, take it easy!' their direction, but not really effectively at all. the boy being ganged up on (or so it seemed) stood up crying, and was further taunted. some circling/re-engaging/stalking later, and he ended up leaving. going purely on appearances, he was of a different race than the rest of the kids, but i wasn't convinced that was the issue. i felt loath to intervene, both from my desire to avoid confrontation of all kinds, but also because i felt like it was too delicate a balance to step into. if i stopped it and didn't let him 'fight for himself' he might be further labeled a wimp. i felt stymied and powerless. 3 other parents also witnessed it, and non felt the urge to step in either. i don't really have regrets, but am not happy with it entirely either. what would you do?

the other, and far more disturbing incident, was in the little kids area. some of the same-age crowd (11 or so) was hanging out at a picnic table, and one of the kids threw and broke a bottle. they were chided for it, and looked a bit guilty. a few minutes later one of the girls headed to the bathroom, and her friend suddenly ran after her, shouting "don't do it, Patricia, don't you dare!!!" and then more yelling from the bathroom. A minute later both emerged, one holding the other's arms, and then she tossed a chunk of the bottle glass onto the ground. Patricia was marched off to the bench, sat down, and hugged hard. More "don't you dare's" and passionate words, and the tossing of the glass over the park-office roof, and more comments and mutterings. Patricia raced away again, in an angry but lethargic way, and was hauled back and hugged yet again.

She wanted to cut herself. While i know this happens far more than I'm aware of, I'd never seen it that directly before. She didn't succeed, her friends were on her in a second. The love was strong between them, and the sorrow equal to it. A glimpse of something that made me far sadder than the fight and the kids' ability to hurt each other. The desire to hurt yourself. a pain unimaginable to me, at least for now.